Official website for humorist, Twitterist [it is so a word] and occasional fiction writer Benjamin Kissell.
Follow me on Twitter (praetor1983) for occasion daily bon mots.
DESPERATELY SEEKING ... ATTENTION [how many glasses of wine will it take to get this to happen or will I give up before it does]
Benjamin Kissell
Why yes, I assume that mocking Twilight and Fifty Shades of Grey is a brilliant and oh-so-time-appropriate commentary. Right? I'm totally cutting edge, here ...
I've never made a secret of my intense, full-bodied disinterest in Twilight from the get-go [think of an oak-barrel aged Cabernet Sauvignon]. I made pithy, under-my-breath comments about it to its face like some mean girl bitching about 'that' skank in school; penning snark-fueled tweets like I was Taylor Swift after a break-up [pick one - I love the girl, she knows how to write some scathing ex-songs]. As an openly gay man who has a penchant for awesome hairdos, you would think I'd be right there with the rest of the world fawning over Robert Pattinson. But, you would be wrong. In short, I did not like Twilight, its author, most of its actors, its media saturation ... and truth be told, nor was I a fan of its odd effect on the populace.
That is ... except when it came to my paycheck.
When Twilight began baring its fangs with the herds of Twi-Hards (teens and moms) my store - the now, lamentably gone Borders Books Inc. - took note. We saw the rabid fans queueing up outside of the Young Adult bookshelves hunting for copies of Twilight, New Moon and their ilk as well as the as-many-as-possible and the are-you-kidding-me weird concoctions we tossed on the shelves to tie-in to the Twilight brand.
Hell, there are (somewhere) even photos of me in white-tinged make-up and glitter posing with customers (and their mothers) as I played ring-master in our Twilight parties. [Yes, I am aware how hipster it is of me to both mock them and yet partake in their excesses ... in my defense, I'm a narcissist who loves to have an audience (as evidenced by my article "Pavlovian Responses"). ] We all played a part - audience, readers, book-sellers and even detractors - in the media and hype that became the Twilight typhoon of popularity. [How Fraudian is my subconsious; I had to type 'popularity' three times there ... the first two times I misspelled it as 'poopularity'.]
I even tried to make my way through the movies a few years back; my ex-roommates decided we should have a 2-day Twilight-a-thon in honor of the series ending. Between distracting myself with texting my friend John - who would go on to be my boyfriend fiance - and the nigh-criminal levels of wine I chugged to make it through the first 3 films ... well, you'd think I was at Gitmo the way I whined, bitched and moaned. Of course, by the second bottle (and end of the first movie) I was actually - dare we say it - enjoying the movies. I found myself texting John little gems like "drunkety juice makes plot holes disappear" as I got progressively more shit-faced and enjoying the hyper-over-acting and piss-poor rip-off writing [seriously; read Romeo & Juliet, watch Roswell and then compare them to Twilight ... you're welcome]. Of course, I woke up the day-after with cotton mouth and a sense of shame on-par with being dumped by a Kardashian.
Why no, I didn't crash and burn ... or wake up wondering if I might be Rosanna Arquette. Eventually I HAD to make a reference to the movie whose title I'm homaging for this article.
[Random Twilight Reference: If you want a good laugh, check out the wickedly-witty Jen Lancaster's twisted takes on Twilight reenactments (with toys! pets! snark!) on her original site,Jennsylvania]
Twilight is, oh-so-grudgingly-admitted, a cultural phenomenon [of course, so were the Taco Bell Chihuahua and Crazy Town ... so we're not talking the best-of here] and, like any true cultural phenomenon, it spawned everything from spoof books (National Lampoon did it right) to rip-offs and prolific fan fiction. In the rare instance of genuine talent trumping subject matter authors like Cassandra Clare shot into the spotlight - and bestsellers list - when their Twilight Fan Fic writing found its way onto various literary agents' screens [I so heart Cassie - such a sweetheart; I've yet to hear anyone speak an ill word of her].
Of course, just as soon as I'm about to forgive and forget with Twilight and its hellspawn, we're gifted with the oh-so-what-the-f#@k-ness of Fifty Shades of Grey (the ultimate BDSM fan fic of Twilight) and its omnipresent popularity.
Can I just ...
Uhm ...
I mean it's ...
Yeah, no. The tampon thing? Eww. I'll just be over here waiting until the furor over the novel/movie/everything-else-associated-with-it dies down. Go on, entertain yourselves with it - I have a good book and I learned how to wait years ago. [Of course, if wine is involved while I wait, lawdd knows what shitty things I may begin to stop hating ... perhaps even Kanye West? Nah. The amount of sweet, sweet Moscato needed to make that happen would kill me first.]
You know, come to think of it, the rampant narcissist in me keeps wondering if I should start writing Twilight Fan Fic in a get-rich/famous-quick scheme. I mean, I've no qualms admitting that I want massive attention called to my writing - even when I don't always have something deep to say. Ooh! Perhaps, I could call it 'Middle of the Day' and make it about a struggling artist and her creep-tastic stalker-esque anger-management-needing agent-turned-lover ...
AND THAT'S WHEN IT HAPPENED ... [Despite it All (and With Profuse Apolgies to Jen Lancaster) Sometimes Pie IS the Answer]
Benjamin Kissell
My best friend Nate always says ... "Real men have curves"
If Literature is food for the mind and Art is food for the soul what should be food for the body? Well, in my case, it's been microwave pizzas, Old Bay-Crab potato chips, McDonald's and Wawa subs; which explains a lot.
I mean, it really explains a LOT.
As in, I've gained ... some weight.
I've known I'm not the svelte 154 lbs it says on my driver's license for a goodly while [the last time they updated my height/weight on there I was 5'8" and still sporting an unbridled sense of Only In Your Early 20s Entitlement and early 2000's hair]. A big "PAY ATTENTION" clue came when I had foot-surgery two years ago and the amount of local-anesthesia they gave me for my supposed 154 lbs had ALMOST NO FREAKING EFFECT ON ME.
I've grown as a person in recent years and that has gone on to include my waistline (and apparently my ass).
I could go on and on about my occasionally-sugar-heavy diet, my incredibly visceral hate for all-things-exercise and my stress-eating-inducing job ... but, let's face it: whining? Is not funny.
Instead...
DISCLAIMER / WARNING: THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE IS NOT ME CALLING MYSELF FAT OR ATTEMPTING TO MAKE YOU FEEL PITY FOR ME (OR BAD ABOUT YOURSELF) ... IT'S SIMPLY AN ARTICLE ABOUT MY STILL-RATHER-RAMPANT NARCISSISM AND NOW MILDLY RAMPANT BACKSIDE AND WAISTLINE.
"Oh gawdd - not another whining-about-being-chunkier article. How creative ..."
Picture it; Sicily, 1914 ... wait. I'm not that old. Nor - discounting family-by-marriage - am I anything even remotely close to Sicilillian [I'm about as Sicillian as Wallace Shawn in The Princess Bride ... which is to say, not at all] ...
Picture it; Fredericksburg, 2014 ... After yet another oh-so-ridiculously-long day at work sans break [Hello OSHA! *waves*] I'm homeward bound. Instead of coming home to our still-bare-from-prepping-for-vacation pantry and coercing my loving boyfriend fiance into magicking another culinary masterpiece [the man channels The Food Network and I? Shan't gainsay that], we've agreed that I should pick up dinner. Having spent the last several hours at work fighting hunger pangs and the urge to punch people coming in with delicious-smelling food I realize that dinner is a must-get-fast deed tonight.
Let's face it, there's only so much of my bitter, bitter black coffee I can drink that will curb the beast that is my stomach.
By the time I've clocked out, my stomach is practically threatening to hire scary guido-types to kneecap me if I don't get some damn dinner already. I know I could walk the half-block from our building to McDonald's [don't judge], but as 1) it's cold and raining, 2) I intend to get a decent amount of food and 3) I don't want to carry our hot dinner back to my car through the cold rain [and my aforementioned loathing of exercise] I opt to drive.
Of course my driver's side window once again doesn't work so walking into the lobby is my only option [well, cooking some random assortment of pantry-items is another ... but, no]. So, it is with a smile on my lips and a song in my heart (and possibly my stomach, too) that I pull up, park and begin to get out of my car.
And that's when it happened ...
I heard it as if it were in one of those Riddley Scott/Crouching-Tiger-Hidden-Drag-Queen-style slow-mo scenes.
The sound I hadn't heard since I was a child in the late 80's when I would climb trees in sweatpants.
The sound every grown adult with any awareness of their expanding ass fears:
*SHRRIIIIPPPPPP!*
As I extend my left leg out of the car my pants decided that they've had enough: the fabric slicing cleanly apart mid-thigh in what looks like a run-in with Freddie Kreuger. I've gained enough weight that my thighs have decided to slasher-flick (literally) my pants - this is awful.
I'm embarrassed.
I'm chagrined.
I'm devastated [these are adorable American Eagle slacks from 2007 which make my legs look long and lean].
I'm ... still hungry and there is zilch chance I'm gonna be able to go through the drive-thru.
Gathering my dignity (and my pants-leg), I boldly step out of the car and into the lobby; I queue up and wait through the annoying hipster teenagers [Kids: it's 11:30 on a Thursday night - there has GOT to be somewhere more interesting than a McDonald's to hang out at] vacillate between McFrappy-crappy drinks and "I don't know - what do you think?" vapidity as I stand there and weigh [heh] whether to try pseudo-healthy or our tasty stand-by ...
All of this - from the awareness of my stomach's hold over me to my standing-in-public-with-shredded-pants - makes me pause and ask: *Am I happy and comfortable with my weight gain? *Am I ashamed or dismayed that I am no longer the twig-thin and "size-small t-shirt thank you" person I was from my mid-20's through early-30's? *Am I happy with myself?
By the time it's my turn [finally] I confidently lean forward and order - who cares if a little bit of leg shows? It's a ruddy McDonald's for crying out loud.
..............................
Also? Yes, I will have apple pie to go with our double quarter pounder meals, thank you. Because pie? Is never wrong. And I am okay with me.
[ For an awesome update on Jen Lancaster, check out the fantastic podcast interview "The Big Questions" from Oct 24th, 2014: INTERVIEW HERE]
Love: -Lifts us up where we belong. -Will keep us together. -Is a many splendoured thing ... even when it's brought into the harsh and unflattering light of everyday reality.
Marriage is, indeed, what bwings us togevver [thank you The Princess Bride for that most awesome of wedding scenes]. Whether you're getting married in the conventional sense [SQUEE!!!!! APRIL 2015!] or living in sin with a safety pin waiting for him to put a ring on it, marriage is the true-bonding of a household.
Having found the man I intend to spend the rest of my life with a whiles back, we decided to move in together last summer and began what could - charitably - be called "a f#@king insane" amount of packing and merging: You see, we're both consumate packrats [read: not quite hoarders, as we only have the one cat who is quite alive and not squished under a box somewhere, thank you ] who've yet to meet a vintage action figure, series of humor/sci-fi/fantasy novels or X-Mencomic book we didn't like.
We lived to tell the tale despite having enough boxes to fill a warehouse and being the stereotypical idiots who decided to RENOVATE the apartment while we were in the process of moving in [why yes, I realize the irony of me mocking and calling the people on Property Brothers who go through the same thing "wussies"]). Thus we ended up with what is affectionately called "Comic/Bookstore Geek Chic" for our place. Warm greys and blues accenting off-white/"antique-bone" cabinetry; aqua/teal love seat and small cerulean wingback chair and comic books, 'geek' posters and action figures as our tchotchkes help the whole apartment feel cohesive and ... well ... "us".
Of course, getting there was only half the battle ...
................................................
"Chores? I'm so thrilled I could scream ... oh, wait ..."
You see, despite our being 'the same person', John (my loving boyfriend fiance) and I had a few differing opinions on things when it comes to what makes a household run. And, thus the war was born on multiple fronts and a sweeping conclusion had to come ... Win or lose, the battle was chosen.
Over Vs Under: the toilet paper siege
I don't know about you, but there is only one PROPER way for toilet papr to hang: OVER, so that a simple tug will provide you with endless bounty of soft tp instead of requiring you to do the hand-crawl-of-awkwardness as you search and grope for that elusive edge so you don't end up that miserable "Not a Square to Spare" victim [Hrmm, look at that - 2 Seinfeld jokes in just as many articles; what's up with that?]. This battle can also spread to the paper towels and will spoil any goodwill in the kitchen if you don't catch it in time.
Socks: the vicious enemy of the dryer
We both are veterans of doing our own laundry [admittedly, if I could have someone else do it for me before - namely my saintly Mum - I fully took advantage; BAD Benjamin! BAD Benjamin!] and neither is a stranger to the drudgery of hauling our baskets from bedroom to washer/dryer, thankfully, now my machines are not coin-operated and this is spoiling me rotten ... and yet, we still found a conflict: socks. I won't say which of us was the offender [both], but one of the singularly most irritating things I've discovered in the world is having to unroll wet socks so that they are not bunched-up or inside out (to dry more evenly).
Inside the sink or beside it: When dishes clash and clutter
No matter who I've lived with in the past, friend or family, no one has come to a consensus of where and how long it is socially acceptable to leave dirty dishes. In the sink? Beside the sink? For a few minutes? Hours? Days? Early on in our relationship a friend told John the secret to getting me to do dishes: make me angry/pick a fight. [Apparently I only get into the dish-washing zone when I'm pissed off; weird.] Neither one of us has been consistent in this - both occasionally light-heartedly mocking the other for leaving a pile in one such place or the other.
This battle is a draw - you could say we both win, but since this involves washing dishes let's be honest, nobody does.
I am insanely competetive when it comes to board games like Scrabble, Trivial Pursuit, Monopoly and Mad Gab. 'Nuff said.
My thoughts at the beginning of any board game ...
...............................................
At the end of the day and the small battles - win or lose - I am happy to lean back and muse: for love and marriage; for better and for worse my life and his are tied together forever ... and I? Am very okay with this.
Something to Take the Edge Off [i.e. coping with another birthday]
Benjamin Kissell
These little f#@kers SOO aren't going for .99 apiece on eBay these days ...
To declare a simple truism [and homage my love for Jane Austen wit]:
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a person in possession of a looming birthday must be in want of a cake or party. However little known the feelings or views of such a person may be on his or her first entering the birthday month, this truth is so well fixed in the minds of the surrounding friends and families, that the birthday is considered the rightful property of some one or other of themselves.
... That is to say: whether I like it or not, my 31st birthday is here and whether I'm ready or not, we're celebrating it.
Keep in mind, there is a ridiculously high standard set by the bar of last year's birthday (my first with my amazing boyfriend fiance John); an 80's cartoons themed all-day costume party. We co-hosted as Skeletor (him) and She-Ra (me) - with decor in various shades of neon and crepe, vintage toys and books scattered around the living room and friends and family alike attending in costume. We had the Mario Bros., a Treestar, Rainbow Brite, Miss Piggy, Care Bears and Carmen Sandiego (from the game cartoons in the 80's). It was amazeballs. It was stupendous. It was ... a lot to live up to.
Like ... a f#@king lot.
I didn't even try to compete with it for John's birthday this year and was completely okay/very happy to let my 31st birthday slide by quietly - accepting the occasional gift and Facebook or Tweet well-wish. Of course ... well ... you knew it couldn't be that easy. Instead, I am facing down my 31st birthday [trust me, 31 is actually not that scary at all ... except that it firmly entrenches me in my 30s and I can no longer claim that I am 'just out of my 20s'] and having a dual celebration Pizza Party/Arcades of the 80's themed birthday party shared with one of my best friends. Full-on mocking the idea of maturity going hand-in-hand with age.
If you were curious, yes I was Jerome ... sans the class, skill and bow-tie.
Why a pizza party?
One could assume it's because (in theory) pizza parties are more affordable to throw than a traditional birthday party - of course, one would be wrong when said party is thrown at home [between decorations, food and recovery-from-last-minute-cleaning-via-online-shopping]. It's because we had our childhood heydays in the 80's and both my amazing boyfriend fiance John and I have rather fuzzily-warm-and-friendly memories of just these sorts of parties. Also? What was a more fan-f#@king-tastic way to have a birthday circa 1987 -88 than a pizza party at Pizza Hut?
Go on, think about it. I'll wait.
*waiting*
*still waiting*
See? Nothing. Told you - there wasn't.
And because we're not about to put the sheer awesomeness of a bunch of 30+ year old friends and family celebrating like it's 1988 on-display in the mess that has become Pizza Hut [I'm sorry, but their little Wing Street re-launch? No thank you. Give me a darkened pseudo-Italian wannabe pizza restaurant steeped in grease and unfettered teenage angst for authenticity any day] we're doing the apartment up in red-and-white checkered tablecloths, crepe paper, and as many vintage tchachkes as possibe crammed in the kitchen, living room and sun porch.
And no, before you ask, despite the fact that I MAY friggin' resemble a hipster AND I am over 21 there sure as shit isn't gonna be a giant ice chest filled with PBR or cheap wine [although the sheer pathetic-ness of an ice chest full of PBR would be in-keeping with the theme ...] we prefer to take the edge off of this birthday thing not by getting blitzed, but by celebrating it. By actively engaging it. By taking its fangs out at the roots as we mock it.
... Although, if there were to be booze, my Trashcan Blue Mopeds would be APPROPRIATE.
uhm ... yeah ... pizza party ... yepp.
[PS - if I can ever find my f#@king The Land Before Time puppets, you can bet your bottom quarter that I will have some vintage authentic shit up in this joint.]
[PPS - a Trashcan Blue Moped: Monster + cheapest-brand-of-white-wine-you-can-find + Blue House Brand Fruit Punch ... you're welcome.]
MY BIG FAT ASS and other insulting newsflashes ... [a.k.a. my own weekend update]
Benjamin Kissell
Ooh, all the latest shitstorms fit to ... well, not to print, but definitely to kvetch about; right?
Every year I get to run a harrowing gauntlet of Family Get Together Hurdles that togetherwould make any decathalon-minded Olympian blanch in fear and possibly ask to 'sit this one out'. Why? Well, within a 10-day stretch is: Mother's Day, my Mum's birthday, my Da's birthday and my Uncle's birthday (which coincides with Cher's, so it's a double-whammy holiday). As usual, this year to save time/sanity/possible shouting matches my family combined Mother's Day and my Mum's birthday - double the presents and all the delicious cake we can eat #hashtagwinning!
So what makes this so harrowing? The forced gift-giving and expenses? The over-eating? The deliciously dangerously fattening cake? Well, each of these is a danger in and of themselves. However, the worst offender is the actual getting together of my family.
You see, my family is comprised of dangerous folk. No, not ex-CIA Spooks (that we'll own up to, anyways). No, we're a family of sharp-tongued warriors clad in sarcasm, armed with wit and veiled commentary.
As a veteran combatant in the Passive-Aggressive War of Attrition, known to the outside world as "family bonding time", you would think that I've seen/heard it all. One would assume that I'd become inured to the politely couched slings and arrows of misfortune tossed off as "sentimentality" and "concern for your welfare". But, you would be wrong. Whether from my WASP grandmother, my "too blunt for words" grandfather or the constant high/low snark that comes from all three sides (my uncle, my Mum and myself) there has always been an almost- Cold War level of hostility below our love; something I'm told isn't in the standard nuclear family.
Huh.
I know; this doesn't sound too warm and friendly or even terribly Norman Rockwell of us, but that's just how my family is. We love each other - we do! Sadly, we don't always relate too terribly well with one another. We exist in a state of detente that makes the gloom of an 80's Sting song sound positively upbeat. Despite being a family with large vocabularies, extensive literary collections and various highly respected degrees [and JEOPARDY! championships] our communcation skills towards others within our family unit are ...
Stunted.
Stilted.
Possibly more arrested than a combination of Sheen, Lohan, Britney, Bynes and Bieber.
Which is not to say that we don't give it the ole college try - we get together for family birthdays, holidays and, occasionally, just to see one another. We'll meet up for dinner at my grandparents' home [think Yuppie Colonial cross-bred with repressed repression] and often follow the post-dinner conversation with a rousing game of Scrabble before scattering to the four corners of town to live our separate lives. (My family quite thoroughly refuses to play any iteration of Trivial Pursuit when my Mum is around; perhaps something about the whole JEOPARDY! win sets them to nervous?)
With the closeness I've often publicized with my Mum, you'd think that at least our Dynamic Duo-ness would help offset this whole Rockwell-from-Hell vibe.
Again, you would be wrong.
............................................
Eerily, this looks a lot like my grandparents' living room ... complete with passive aggressive undertones to the carpet, panelling and brickwork.
The usual and most repeated offender on this watch list of Passive Aggressive Heavy Weights is my loving Grandother, Nana. [Author's caveat: please understand, before I go any further, that I love my Nana very very much and will kick you in the jimmies if you say one mean word about her ... I'm just aware of how strong the Passive Aggressive Force is with this one.] Best described as a cross between Maggie Griffin and Blythe Danner, Nana is known to break out with such colorful commentary like "Benjamin, when we were growing up the Jews in-town were a VERY clean people" (upon seeing my Star of David necklace when I first converted); or "Lori, I just NEVER know what size shirt to buy you" pause and wait for it "here let me cut that cake for you - you need a bigger slice" and the ever-classic "I always love when you visit, Benjamin; it happens so infrequently".
Ouch. Like a knife-wound to the gut, that is.
So, with that sort of build-up it shouldn't come as a surprise that this weekend's festivities of family togetherness brought out a comment from my Nana that made my head swim in confusion. During the unwrapping of presents and camera-phone flashes my grandmother turned to my mother and, with nary a trace of irony/condescension/passive aggressive WASP to her voice, said "Benjamin's face is filling out nicely".
"Filling out"?
"Filling out" what the hell does that mean? Does it mean my face is a teenaged girl just developing a bra-worthy chest? Should I be looking for teenage-onset acne and worry about my voice changing? My face is suddenly a bike tire getting a quick fix at the Wawa free air pump? I can't help but read into this based on the decades of WASP commentary that have been the basis of our family's communication.
What does she mean by this?
True, my cheeks are no longer the rakish cheek-bones that could cut glass they were in my youth [*le sigh*], but I didn't think I had suddenly developed Chip'n'Dale Chipmunk cheeks in the last 24 hours. Yes, I've put on a few lbs to my ass, but wouldn't I have noticed if that fat had suddenly flown up to my face?
Yet, when my grandmother says this in an offhand comment I begin to obsess about it.
I am aware that between my exhaustive work schedule, my extreme and personal dislike for exercise and love of delivery food my ass has ballooned a tad. My formerly trim 31-32" waist is a tad wider these days [a fair bit more if that asshat scale at the doctor's office is to be believed]. Of this I am painfully aware every time I fasten my dress pants for work and feel their waistband cut a little into the area-formerly-kn0wn-as-my-middrif. This doesn't normally discourage me as I am a grown adult man in his 30's who isn't actually unfit, just not super-skinny.
Of course I pick at this and focus on it so badly that for the next two days it's all I can do not to text her all Shannen Doherty-like in Extreme Caps Lock with grade school-isms "OH YEAH!? THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK!" It isn't until I'm home, fuming, sitting next to my wonderfully patient boyfriend fiance Saturday night that it occurs to me [okay, he points it out, satisfied?]: Nana actually meant exactly what she said - my face is filling out nicely. Not rounding out in a late-80's/early-90's Drew Barrymore way, but in a healthy adult way.
Huh. Whodathunkit?
I guess I just got my own not-so- little newsflash this weekend: even the Cold War had to end - perhaps my maturing body [*heh* try NOT making that sound like some lame after-school PSA] and waistline aren't the only things growing around here?
THAT ONE TIME I EMBARRASSED MY BOYFRIENDFIANCE IN PUBLIC
[okay, so it's happened more than once ... I'm allowed SOME creative licensing occasionally]
Benjamin Kissell
Go ahead and raise your hand if you've never been the one causing your boyfriend fiance's friends to ask "What the f#@k is he doing with him?" ... put your hands down, I know you're lying.
Move over Laurie Notaro and Jen Lancaster - my favorite reigning queens of "Well, shit; I shouldn't have said that in front of your coworker/colleague/friend/boss/classmate/whatever" - and make room for someone new to join you in the "Fuck; did I really just say that?" Club. Hell, I think I should take a center seat ... or at least a nice plush one to recline in as I recover from the mortification that my very big, very loud, very persistent mouth got me into recently. Perhaps with some chocolate and a hot compress?
I have a big mouth - this I know - which is locked, loaded and apparently a hair trigger on an itchy trigger finger.
It's bad enough when you get yourself into trouble/awkward situations/mute staring contests when your mouth goes on autopilot and Verbal Diarrhea is produced [i.e. the inability to shut the fuck up and ERMEHGERDD STOP THE WERD FLOW ALREADY!]; but when your verbosity causes ripples in the fabric of reality impacting those around you? Well, it gets dicey. And when the one impacted the most is the one who's promising to stand up in front of God, your friends and family and probably more than a few protesters to begin a life together? Yeah. It's a whole new level of Oops I Crapped My Pants-isms.
My mouth is not unknown to cause these issues - one could say it's a condition which has plagued me since I made the unnerving mistake to open it and talk (back). My family was made aware of this situation early on and friends have experienced the occasional social setbacks when I blurt out something that might cause even the most Peter Griffin-esque person to reconsider the need for a verbal filter [for example: despite being about a decade in the past, I am NEVER living down meeting my best friend's Buddhist temple leader and lamenting losing my place to my ex as 'the most popular date in town' within a five-minute period. NEVER].
Let's rewind the scene to where the amazingly patient victim [i.e. my boyfriend fiance] was completely sideblinded despite being patently aware of who he's marrying [you know, the guy whose mouth has been off-and-running since the mid-1980's].
In short: I blame low blood sugar, lack of sleep and a natural propensity for a constantly running mouth on the following experience. I blame Red Barron for everything else.
"What an idiot!" If what follows causes you to shun me in shame ... well, you're probably not alone.
If the appropriate music for the situation could be piped through the tinny and gawdd-awful speaker-system which courses through the veins of Wal-Mart it would be the Muzak equivalent of the Jaws theme.
My innocent and loving boyfriend fiance and I were doing the shopping tango; alternating between what we affectionately call the "Wonderland of Crap" side (where all of the stuff we actually need is located and often hidden behind open pallet jacks and annoying Wal-Mart shoppers who don't understand the concept of MOVE ALREADY YOU CREEPY OLD BRAIN-FRIED METH HEAD IN NEON JEGGINGS) and the Produce/Groceries side (where we usually end the trip) when the first notes of the dreaded music should have flared.
Duh Duh.
Duh Duh.
Coming off of my third week in a row vacillating between overnight and mid-day shifts back-to-back-to-back and getting little-to-no sleep (and even less consistent food intake) my internal monologue filter was stripped to 'Well, maybe they won't hear me and even if they do, so what - I'm muttering' which is never a good sign. When an incredibly rude jackass pulled his cart out in front of us, cutting us off and almost causing the cart's handle to embed itself in my solar plexis, I stopped myself from slipping off my boot and tossing it at his head. Barely.
"mumble mutter mutter dark statement mumble mutter"
"Honey, what'd you say?"
"Nothing, mumble mutter mutter mutter"
This scene quickly mimicked itself several more times with increasingly snarky mumbling on my part by the time we'd meandered through the all-too-minimal dvd selection - [come on guys, enough re-packaged Rob Schneider flicks; they weren't worth paying to see in theatres and they aren't worth the cost of the $5 Discount Bin sticker you just slapped on them, either]. My stream-of-consciousness commentary and our debates on what to get/put back/not even reach for were shaving down to almost monosyllabic commentary at this point. To salvage our afternoon and good moods, we would have to finish the shopping toute sweet. And that? Meant a harried and hurried run through the grocery section grabbing whichever scented room spray caught my eye [Fresh Linen EVERY TIME NO EXCUSES], whichever brand of cat food we could grab and lift [Meow Mix, 20lb bag of indoor cat formula for Bitch Pudding] and pushing whichever off-brand of House Made Oreos, honey buns, imitation crab meet, soy/almond/lactose free milk and non-red dye #5 powdered drink mix we could get our hands on into the cart.
Duh Duh. Duh Duh.
Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh Duh.
We were wending our way through the frozen foods section ogling our potential pizza purchases [why yes, frozen pizza is a staple in any household I choose to live in] when the water went dark with chum and the sleek silouhette dove under the unsuspecting victims.
My poor doomed boyfriend fiance looked up from our heated debate on which (and how many of each) Red Barron Pizzas we should just "toss in the damn cart already" and caught the eye of a striking middle-50's housewife a good head shorter than me. A more suspicious [read: less secure] person would wonder why they both beamed at one another before launching themselves into an animated and earnest conversation.
"What are you doing on this end of town? I thought they had you chained back at the store?"
"Occassionally I gnaw my foot off at the ankle and break free."
A polite chuckle ensues from both.
Ahh - of course! The fact that my boyfriend fiance is a well-liked and rather popular guy at his work neatly explains this. I begin to tune out after my attempted rejoinder falls on not only deaf ears, but possibly muted faces (I'm sure she was only being funny when she rolled her eyes, right?). Of course being as that I was only half-listening due to my intense focus on pizza [I want this goddamn pizzaalready] my strictest attention to the verbal banter wasn't exercised and possibly missed a joke or three between them when I interjected.
I cannot quite fully explain what happens next as my memory of what happened is hazy and blurred. When I come to, I found out it was a feeding frenzy full of bloodied water, bruised ego and - from eye-witness accounts [the harangued and now quite shell-shocked boyfriend fiance] - full on Verbal Diarrhea explosion worthy of any 24/7 news channel around-the-clock special as I spontaneously segue from normal, if not mildly introverted and exhausted Benjamin into ... wait for it ... Persistant Seller Man.
It seems the phrase "speaking of which ..." is now banned from my vocabulary as I attempted to steamroll into their conversation with this ominous segue change not once, but twice. Used car salesmen don't have the fanaticism I seemed to possess as I slipped into the waters and went for conversation-blood. Between the "not enough food in my system or caffeine" and "too many work-hours" my exhausted brain went right over the edge of what is appropriately lengthy and approachable conversation and right into "dude, not to sound all judge-y, but does he need medication or what?" depths. She was a leggy blonde all alone on a midnight swim - completely doomed.
"Speaking of which ... have you tried the Red Barron's Nacho Pizza? Because the Red Barron's Nacho Pizza is beyond amazing. It's like the best spicy nacho you ever had ... but better because it's freaking pizza! Look how cheap it is - I mean, you could get two of these for the same price as a Digiorno's! Here - let me grab one for you and you can switch it out!" Between my rounds of extolling the brilliance of such a culinary experiment, her protestations of fitting into her dance girdle and the possibly manic look to my eyes the middle-50's housewife made an abrupt and surprisingly courteous departure.
What was probably running through my wonderfully loving and patient boyfriend fiance's head as I embarassed his poor ass.
To say that my future husband was a bit off-put by this encounter would be an understatement of epic proportions. He was flabbergasted and - to be honest - a little mortified. This was one of his semi-regular customers and the likelihood of his seeing her repeatedly in the near future was ... um ... certain. I'm sure a thousand excuses played in his mind on how he would write this off [foremost among them would likely be that I was indeed out of some much-needed ADHD medication]. Here he had been assuming I was his nice, normal [okay, demi-normal?] boyfriend with whom he lived and shared a cat and instead? I was apparently a stark raving nutter on the payroll of Red Barron Pizza. [Look, I'm not saying I'd never purposefully promote something or shill for a product - I'm only human ... I'm just saying that if I did, well, I'd be honest about it from the get-go and it'd be for something more impressive than pizza.] The drive home was tense as I tried to find the words to adequately explain what had happened and to sufficiently apologize for the carnage wrecked.
Low Blood Sugar? True - I'd eaten maybe one meal in the last 36 hours.
Exhaustion? Also true - I'd slept a cumulitive 8 hours over the last 48.
I'm possibly batshit crazy with a side of Running Off At the Mouth Syndrome which puts the floodgates of your standard Verbal Diarrhea victim in the shade - both of which come firmly from my mildly-insane family? Let's face it ... that's pretty accurate.
So, I said the only thing I could: "I'm so sorry" because I was and am. I love my boyfriend fiance and cannot wait to celebrate our union ... even if he has to pretend I'm Lucy, Jeannie, Samantha or any one of the bajillion sort-of-embarassing-home-situation 50's and 60's sitcom housewives the husbands always seemed nervous to bring company home to.
Thankfully, he loves me beyond the pale and seems to have accepted this new revelation of batshit crazy with a wink-of-the-eye and a wry sense of humor. Proof positive? He began more than a few jokes over the last week with "Speaking of which ...". Between his loving laughter and my own sense of self-effacing humor we were back to normal swiftly [for which I'm eternally grateful].
Lesson learned - I have GOT to get a handle on this running-off-at-the-mouth thing ... and I will. At least, I intend to at least work on it and possibly keep a candy bar and/or coffee in my man-purse at all times to best avoid this Snickers Commercial-level of insanity again.
But, never ever forget: the genius of Red Barron Nacho Pizza is not to be denied.
Tired? I'm Right There With You a.k.a. [one dastardly long day ... I'm sure you've had one of those]
Benjamin Kissell
Millions of smiles and millions of miles ... yet today? I am neither smiling nor looking forward to going that extra mile with these tires ...
You ever have one of those days?
I'm sure you have. One of those soul-shredding, brain-draining, mind-numbing, emotion-testing days where all you want to do, at the end of it, is collapse into a warm bubble bath and sip some fine, fine Wal-Mart Moscato until your eyelids droop and you nod off into a much-deserved rest ... your well-worn paperback copy of Bright Lights, Big Ass(or whichever all-purpose entertaining read you default to) slipping onto your fuzzy bath mat beside the tub.
Instead, you end up sipping cold coffee while you hope against hope that it's bitter blackness will not only keep you awake and lucid, but non-snappy and head-bite-off-y towards employees and customers alike until you can go collapse (face first) into your cold bed.
It all began innocently enough - as it always does.
Ever since I'd dropped REDACTED on car repairs back over the Christmas holidays [why yes, the perfect Christmas/New Year's gift to myself were these repairs *eyeroll*] and gotten my car back, it'd been a little shaky in the steering and handling. Being a complete car newb [as I've mentioned before] I wrote this off as a 'new fixin's be new handlin's' and ignored it. That is, until my boyfriend [oops, fiance - still getting used to that] texted me the night before while I was at work.
John: My parents saw metal in your tires - you need new ones baby. Don't touch them!
to which I brilliantly replied
Me: I what? Huh?
Apparently, the reason the car had been shaking even more en route to work was because the steel underneath the rubber was EXPOSED DUE TO THE DETERIORATION OF THE FRONT TIRES!
*pause*
Were shredding. I'm going to let that sink in for you ... my tires?
With me so far?
Being the mature [read: it had to happen sometime, amiright?] person that I am, I asked John to join me in a run to Wal-Mart after my 9.5 hr shift at work was over and hunt down new tires.
Completely forgetting to note the size/pressure requirement/etc before entering the behemoth known as Tire Central we were swiftly overwhelmed and soon resorted to stilted Google searches on our phones for what would/wouldn't be an appropriate new tire for my Oh-God-Is-It-Really-That-Old Honda. After finding what I thought was an appropriate fit/size/etc I took the pragmatic approach of running outside (still exhausted and friggin' hungry, thank you) and trying to take a photo of my tire to make sure I got the right data.
Um. Apparently no one had informed me about how difficult it would be to take said photos in a SUPPOSEDLY well-lit parking lot. As it turns out, it's really bloody hard. After spending 10 minutes on my knees trying to capture the image (and possibly getting tetnis from the shard of rather grey-brown and unknown metal I was kneeling on) I finally had a half-decent pic.
Which of course wouldn't send. Not enough signal my ass.
'No need', I said to myself (rather smugly, if I may be so honest) 'I can just type down the numbers/letters and text them to John. Brilliant, I am!'
[Why I hadn't thought of this BEFORE kneeling for 10 minutes exhausting and frustrating myself is something I'll chalk down to low blood sugar.]
After hiking the impressive distance back between the main entrance and the Tire Center - the rough equivalent of two city blocks [or as my tired ass was calling it "Fuck this"] - I discovered that the tires we'd picked out had been wrong all along and the ones I wanted were the ones RIGHT THERE. The ones $20 more expensive.
Bucking myself up with promises of "Ooh, this will be easy - I can buy the tires and just install them myself! I am so smart! I shall save so much money!" and empty carbs [a.k.a. the fine, fine return of Swiss Cake Rolls to my diet and anything Reese's] I let John steer the cart on with the promise of tire switches in the morning.
......................
Some people bolster egos with booze ... I'll stick with self-delusions and c0pious quantities of chocolate.
Cut to this morning.
Realizing that my smart economic choice was really inappropriate - what with all of the amazing and smug-inducing tools I used the last time I did this not being mine and living over in my Grandfather's garage - I plopped myself down on the couch and dialed Wal-Mart's number. The smug definitely evaporating in the already-too-damn-warm weather. Luckily, they promised that they could install the tires - both of them - for a paltry sum of $20 and a disposal fee of $3 for the old tires. GENIUS! Victory! #WINNING!
My optimism and foolish hopes were due to be sent askew because the sight greeting me as I stood in front of my Older-Than-Dirt-But-Still-Running Honda was a depressing one: one of the two about-to-be-replaced tires had decided - in the time my in-laws had been out-and-back to BJ's - to go flat. This was no mere 'flattish flat'. No. This was 'IN-YOUR-FACE-MUTHA-FUCKA-SEE-HOW-FLAT-I-CAN-BE flat'. Thankfully, this wasn't something that some wonderful application of time, grease and father-in-law aid couldn't conquer.
Okay, despite the setback, I could handle this. I would be happy to slide my card through the machine paying the mere $23 when they were done. I was ready, willing and able to get on with my day and work this afternoon.
Of course, my afternoon ground to a halt while waiting for the Tire Gurus to get back to me: My evening shift person wasn't feeling well and wasn't able to be there tonight. 'No problem', optimistic me said. 'Just get your other evening employee to fill in - he'll love the overtime! Everybody wins! Still #Winning!' And yet, unlike his usual enthusiasm for money, he did not leap at the chance. In fact, due to circumstances beyond his control ... well, he wasn't up to being in this evening either.
Well, fuckballs. What to do ... what to do ...
Between the distraction of laughing myself into an awkward public display of braying jackass laughs while reading some Laurie Notaro and the back-and-forth texts with my originally-covering-that-shift employee I soon had it solved: I would come in at 7pm and be there until 2am when he would be able to muster up the strength to be there. Success! Britney Spears-level-comeback here people!
So, of course, it was time for the Universe to kick me in the stomach again. ARGH!
The oh-so-kind Tire Guru sat me down to explain why he wasn't able to put the second tire on: apparently, in their zeal to get my car repaired back in January, my mechanics had not only forced the tire lug-nuts on, they had cross-threaded and possibly stripped two of them. In terms of car repairs, this isn't normally something to cry about (as it is often easily repairable) nor is it something to scoff at (as you cannot legally or safely drive without three solid ones). Being as this was out of their league repair-wise, they suggested I go over to the nice folks at TIRE STORE NAME REDACTED FOR FEAR OF LEGAL ISSUE who would be able to switch the lug nuts and I could come right back for the finished repairs.
Still, setback aside, I could soon be #WINNING! I had a plan of action; Charlie Sheen, eat your heart out. Of course, my plan of action didn't take into account the fact that today is the Busiest Day In The History of Forever at TIRE STORE NAME REDACTED FOR FEAR OF LEGAL ISSUE and the earliest they could see me would be tomorrow morning.
Deep breaths. Calming Breaths. Inward breaths that make me center myself ... chocolate center with a creamy peanut butter crunch ... *ahem* Snap back here, Benjamin.
The very nice young man at TIRE STORE NAME REDACTED FOR FEAR OF LEGAL ISSUE was very supportive and helped break down the various scenarios that could be wrong with the repairs and gave me a cost/expense line-by-line on it. In terms of cost it was somewhere between "pfft that's just one less meal in a restaurant" and "Oh gawdd, oh gawdd, the hemorraghing is going to kill me" ... suffice it to say, I was seeing red as my green was evaporating.
On the still-somewhat-shaky-because-only-one-of-the-needed-tire-repairs-was-done drive BACK over to Wal-Mart and the Tire Guru I made up my mind to pick up my tire and either drop off my car with my in-laws' preferred mechanic [35 years they've been going to them and never been swindled once] or throw a small hissy fit over the phone and demand my mechanics fix the problem for free "OR ELSE". [Can you guess which one it ends up being?]
Sadly, this plan of action hit yet another snag, what with the Tire Gurus losing my tire.
Yes, say it with me boys and girls; They - the Tire Gurus - had lost my friggin' expensive-enough-I-wasn't-eating-out-with-family-next-week new tire. I may or may not have blacked out before pasting a forced-Southern-charm smile on my face and politely requesting my tire appear. Pronto. [I would like mad props for neither spitting, screaming nor striking anyone during this scene ... I deserve them].
.........................................
The newer-than-new tire snugly in my trunk [no, they didn't find my originally bought tire, they just grabbed one off the wall ... how's that for a solution?], I slowly drove home to leave the car in the driveway until dropping it off for repairs in the morning after deciding to call and give my mechanic the best venting of why this was their problem and not mine possible. [Terse and short words are very effective when combined with a "you will fix it" attitude.] A nap - and chocolate - called to me a siren song. Something positive for me, since John was at work and we'd be missing each other until I crawled into bed tonight.
A nap will always be the perfect way to get a quick bolt of rejuvination. A nap after inhaling half a box of Swiss Cake Rolls is the perfect way to wake up with an extreme case of cotton mouth reminiscent of my most fabulous hangovers [the high points of my early 20's]. A nap, inhaling half a box of Swiss Cake Rolls and waking up to continue your already-too-long day is a guaranteed way to groan loud enough you scare your cat.
..............................................
Chocolate: sometimes the most comforting of friends ... while others, the great pretender delivering stronger cottonmouth than a freshman mixer of trashcan punch and screwdrivers
The Universe, perhaps taking momentary pity, let the evening progress rather nicely. True, it was a busy time at work, but, it didn't promise to be insane or ri-fucking-diculous like it had been the last four days, either.
The hours smoothly tracked by; 7-8pm, 8-9pm, 9-10pm, 10-10:30pm ...
And when 10:30 rolled around the Universe - enough okay? KTHXBAI - gave me the big old middle finger and my still-sick employee called with a painful update: he wasn't going to be able to come in at all ... which set up the 11 hour shift for me as the perfect whipped-cream non-dairy [still lactose intolerant, thanks] topping to this fucktard of a day.
When I get home after dropping off my car at my mechanics WHO BETTER FIX THIS ALREADY AND DO IT FOR FREE and being up-and-running for a good 24-hours-plus straight my prize? Will be to crash into bed beside my wonderful, understanding, amazing, sweet, sometimes-snoring boyfriend [dammit, I mean fiance] for a whole four hours before I have to get up and do it all again.
It's enough to curl up in the fetal position and declare this a "Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day" ... or maybe just to get a little hate on for the Tire Guru Gods.
Keep calm and call me a drunk ... but only if you mean it.
Benjamin Kissell
It's been 7 days, 10 hours and 34 minutes (and a handful of change for seconds) since I last had a glass.
A full week since a single cup brimming with the wonderful, life-giving and -sustaining liquid push itself past my lips. It's been over a week since I was able to look someone directly in the face and smile clear past my red-rimmed [okay, so I've been debating adding kohl or guy-liner to them to help diminish the red, I mean ... I'm not a monster, dammit] eyes and speak to them without the urge to wring their neck for DARING TO HAVE A SERVING OF THAT WHICH I AM CURRENTLY FORBIDDEN.
It's been a full week since I began living off of a cocktail of Alka-Seltzer cold fizzes, Tylenol PM, Sudafed and enough anti-histamines to possibly tranquilize Anna Nicole Smith [*cricket chirp* ... What? Too soon?]. In the intervening time I've been running myself ragged at work - between my double-duty as de-facto AGM and Front Desk I'm known to clock 10 hours at a sitting - much to my loving fiance's [I know, right? Long story for another article; suffice it to say, he makes me so very happy and I can hardly wait for our wedding] chagrin. Since I'm not sallaried, this at least amounts to some usually pretty decent overtime in my paychecks.
A solid week of a stuffy nose so clogged I wonder if I'm going to need a Brooklyn Sanitation Worker to come unclog them. Coughing so strong I could probably hack up a cabbie or at least his horse. Congestion so strong it's moonlighting as He-Man and so many light-headed spells in which I feel my brain is not only light enought that it could float up to the second-floor landing, but it would hover and do an Ewok victory dance as it did so. Enough congested and mucus-laden tongue moments where I genuinely contemplate visiting my Nana so I can chew on the naugahyde uphostery monster that is her old sofa in the basement den in hopes of actually tasting something ... even if I'm sure that taste is guilt-swilled-shame.
Ooh, goodie - I can't tell if I opened my medicine cabinet or a box of Mike and Ikes spilled into a tub of Skittles and Tic-Tacs. I'll share the licorice ones with you.
Why am I going a on and on complaining about all these things? I know I'm hardly the first - nor perhaps even the most important - person who's ever suffered seasonal allergies and sinuses. No, I am lamenting these things because they have come between me and the other One True Love Of My Life [you know, aside from the afore-mentioned fiance]. A tall, full glass off ...
... Coffee.
What, did you think I had a drinking problem?
I've extolled my love of coffee before, in previous articles, and honestly it's probably the only thing that allows me to pretend at being a nice, mildly-perky [Okay, sometimes I try so hard I'm so perky/annoying I make myself cringe and if I were talking to me I'd have the urge to slap me so hard my teeth rattled] and anything basically resembling "polite" when in the workplace. Because I? By nature? Am not so nice.
I'm actually kind of a bitch.
Or a bastard. But a few chugs of my bitter, bitter black coffee and it pulls the old switcheroo and the next thing you know ... that old black magic has me smiling, being personable and downright hospitable to random strangers. Friendly Benjamin. Personable Benjamin. Non-Stabby Benjamin. Someone sometimes so unrecognizable friends and family have had to do a double-take to reassure themselves that yes, it is me.
So, this week at work without coffee has been ... interesting. I've snapped at no-less-than four employees of mine and accidentally [?] made a malcontent non-bill-paying guest cry. Twice! Which of course meant that the minute I walked into work tonight there is a full busload of 18-19 year olds on two floors, a complement of their alcohol-riddled "chaperones" in my lobby and absolutely nowhere to park as the giant asshat Harley Davidson truck occupied even THE NO PARKING FIRE LANE when I spent 20 minutes trying to find parking ... *cough* ahem ... anywho. Suffice it to say tonight? The first thing I did after grabbing my paperwork and setting things right was to ignore the very large warning of "do not mix with coffee". And I poured myself the largest, blackest double-mug of bitter, bitter black coffee I could.
Here's hoping those warnings are wrong. And if they're not? That at least the results will be entertaining as fuck. I could use fodder for more new articles.
chic is always chic ... except when it's paired with the wrong accessories.
Benjamin Kissell
Some colors are the ultimate in complimentary [and I don’t mean they blow smoke up your arse]. They are your best friends and finest allies in helping to make yourself feel and look better.
They can flatter your skin-tone: turning your pale Edward Cullen palette into a fresh-from-the-tanning-salon-Snookie-esque glow. They are capable of making your eyes pop: accenting or contrasting that lovely earthy green in your eyes, turning them from matte-finish moss to glowing emeralds. They have cache; they carry weight and help you feel like you are perfectly garbed in [fashion] armor for battle – ready for any eventuality and feeling secure and attractive.
In days past people would look at their complexion, hair and eye color as indicators of which “color season” we were: for example, your snow white skin with coal black hair marked you as a ‘Winter’ [and possibly the Evil Queen’s next intended victim, or a villain in a C.S. Lewis novel or Hans Christian Anderson fairy tale].
Admittedly, this probably ages me as 1) the seasonal color delineation has gone the way of Vanilla Ice over the last 2 decades and 2) as a kid I would sit in as my Mum and Gran discussed which we fall into, eventually joining in as a 20-something [I consider myself a Winter, but am more likely a late Fall … an Autumnal Winter Cusp?]. Shallow? Possibly. Vain? Probably. But entertaining nonetheless.
Some things never came into fashion ... I mean, I love me a sweater, but belted sweaters? And those hats? Who do those guys think they are - Carly Simon?
Fashionable color trends come and go; in the 80’s neon was king, in the early 90’s Grunge held sway with earth-tone plaids, the mid and late 90’s saw the bubble burst with the pastel palette and stark bold basics holding sway. The 2000’s? Well, I’d make some pithy comment about colors and styles in the millennial era, but to be honest most of my wardrobe hasn’t really evolved from the large selections of black t-shirts – black by itself, black with logos, black with iron-ons, black with, black, etc etc [sweet lord do I buy a lot of black tees] – with the varying over-shirts and a plethora of jeans I started wearing at 18. You’d think I were Neil Gaiman or something with all the black I buy.
You’d also think I would evolve past my ‘look’ at 22 … and yet, here we are.
I admit, I’m not the arbiter on all things hip and trendy. There is a difference between fashion and style: some of us have it … and [must not name names and point fingers] some of us don’t.
However, that being said, there is something that we can probably all agree on as a complete fashion faux pas. A color that flatters nobody: highlighting only the worst features and drawing attention to the biggest flaws …
Stupidity.
Stupidity is a color which looks good on absolutely no one.
You have a slightly offset eye? Stupidity only draws attention to it and when we see that, Margaret Cho-esque lines will come tumbling out of our mouths [“Gurrl, you should get a monacle – it’d be so coot!] You have a hyper-fake-hideously-orange-fake-spray-can-fake tan? Well, no one’s perfect. But stupidity draws our eyes to it and our sharp tongues to comment quicker about it than a Kardashian divorce.
Simply put; stupidity is that fashion accessory few can afford, yet too many seem to have in abundance.
Stupidity, despite the glaring evidence to the contrary, is gauche and tackier to match with than plaid gauchos [PLAID GAUCHOS!]. It truly is the ultimate fashion faux pas. It’s been remarked [by my mother. Repeatedly] that stupidity seems to be the only color some people seem to recognize or pair with across the fashion spectrum.
……………
Of course, bitchy will always be in style.
To quote my friend, Misty Barfly, “Bitchy, unlike stupidity goes with every outfit. It was Versace’s and Chanel’s biggest inspiration. It’s like the little black cocktail dress” always in fashion and forever desirable.
The Tao of Fabulous [where I drag my boyfriend, my mother and our friend with me as we brave a tropical storm, Northern Virginia/Washington DC traffuck, line nazis and a waffle house breakfast to follow the Tao of Jen Lancaster ... on a leg of her book tour while bedecked in pearls, pink and plaid as is required by the Tao of Fabulous] [man, I think I outdid myself on long subtitles with this one]
Benjamin Kissell
If you don't either laugh yourself into a near-pants-wetting fit (or at least cause your coffee to spill while you fall out of your chair) I'm not sure we can be friends. I mean, I guess we can ... but, I'll secretly worry you're always judging me and then where will that get us?
A quick apology in-advance: this? is going to be a lengthy article (roughly 4400 words, compared to my usual 700-ish).
Also? I realize I should have posted this back in June, but between work and ... okay, I'm just a reeeeeeeeeally good procrastinator.
That is, the root of Jen Lancaster's newest hit humor memoir lies in the edicts and strictures laid down by Martha [let the record show that I have had an affinity for all-things Martha since she became the bane of my neurotically fastidious and home-make-y grandmother's existence in the mid-90's]. Thank you Doyenne of Domesticity for helping to inspire my literary idol to new heights.
It's because of Martha's composure and regiment of straightforward dictates that Jen took on a year of Living to help make 2012 suck far less than 1) it would have otherwise and 2) than 2011 had. [For the full story, pick up a copy of THE TAO OF MARTHA at many of your fine, fine book retailers.]
In that vein, I realize that for chunks of the last 7+ years I've been subconsciously attempting to live the Tao of Fabulous. Which is ...
The Tao of Fabulous: the philosophy, and state-of-being, embodied by humor memoirist, chick lit enthusiast, snarky, occasionally-foul-mouthed, NYT bestselling author, queen of the madras plaid and doyenne of pearls - Jen Lancaster.Thou shalt wear pink, plaid, pearls and/or some combination thereof.
I take the Tao of Fabulous seriously because Jen isn't just my literary idol, she's also someone I've been lucky enough to call my friend. I may have mentioned, in other articles over the last few years, that we met through Myspace [don't judge] the week her first book, Bitter is the new Black, came out and through a series of back-and-forth e-mails we struck up a friendship. Who knew that a snarky ex-sorority girl and a bitchy gay guy would get along famously?
Cut to the obligatory 80's sitcom audience laughter/chuckle.
Ever since 2008’s Pretty in Plaid Tour I haven't missed an opportunity to see her and this year I plan on seeing her twice: once in the DC area - technically Bethesda, MD - like usual, followed by another either north or south. As her closest other appearances are Philadelphia, PA and Cary, NC and as I would sooner cut off my left pinky toe than return to PA any time soon [a long story involving family, small-towns and a distinct lack of humor] it was an easy choice naming Cary as a must-see.
Which is why my ever-patient and loving boyfriend has just walked into my bedroom to find me amidst what can be politely called a shitstorm of clothing. I’m in the middle of my room with a travel bag on my desk chair while a multitude of shirts in hues of pinks and greens surround me as well as several pairs of ‘dressy’, ‘not dressy’ and ‘distressed’ jeans. I will not be caught unawares this year [2010 I am so looking at you, that is … if I could stand to look at those photos].
“Um. Benjamin are you ready?”
“Almost.”
“Almost? Are you sure?”
“Yes, just have to pick out what I’m actually wearing is all,” I reply while I hold up a particularly vibrant pink t-shirt to my chest, folding it and placing it in my ‘possible’ pile.
“Oh, that’s all.” His dry humor tone is matched by a cocked eyebrow as he eyes the 3 large stacks of ‘possible’ piles. Okay, so I admit it – packing light is not my forte and packing for a 3-day, 2-night road trip with photo-ready clothes in specific colors and styles? Tasking me, it is.
“Yes, that’s all – I’ve narrowed it down to these 2 pairs of jeans,” I say as I set one pair in the bag and begin to shimmy out of my house-pants [read: grey flannel shorts] and into the new [splurge because I? Deserve it] grey-black jeans. “And down to these stacks of pink, green and grey t-shirts to match with those,” my hand pointing over his shoulder to the stack of dress-shirts tossed on my bed pillows. I lean in to kiss him as I zip and buckle up.
“Which go with which?” I defer to John’s eye a fair bit as he has a fantastic sense of color – which may or may not stem from his side-career as an artist. “I only need an outfit for tonight’s event and tomorrow’s and then the drive home. Oh and pyjamas. By the way, do you know if the hotel room Mum got us is a queen-sized or full?”
“Queen.” Another kiss. “You can wash anything you need to at my place when we get home tonight.” He pauses and hands me two stacks of shirt/over-shirt combination, “These work, baby. Now hurry and get dressed; we’re meeting Edie in Bethesda in just over two hours.”
Edie, one of my Mum’s best friends and one of John and my good friends, is joining us tonight for our first stop and we’re going to pick her up in the morning tomorrow on our way to Cary (Mum would join us tonight, but, as a teacher it's presumed that she needs to be there on the last day of school). A professional ballroom dancer, Edie has a quick wit and dry sense of humor – another reason she gets on with us.
I’m proud of myself, by the time I get out of the apartment and into John’s freshly cleaned out [yes, Mum, he really did clean it out for you guys] yellow battle tank – one tough and tumble yellow Nissan SUV – I’ve been able to pack all of my stuff for this trip into one decent-sized travel tote with only the snacks and water-bottle loose. I’m genuinely impressed with myself here.
I’m garbed in my sea-foam green gingham dress shirt and bright pink tee – pearls [given to me by our friend Dani] clutched and threaded through the collar which I’m debating on popping or not. I believe I pass muster.
Traffic leaving Fredericksburg and passing up through Springfield goes smoothly until we’re about 10 miles south of Washington, DC. While sitting in yet more traffuck [admit it: a funny and accurate term] – we notice that the air blowing out at us is no longer the refreshing not-as-hot-and-humid-as-it-is-outside-in-June air but on the other side of warm. Almost scalding. Looking down, John utters a stream of well-chosen expletives as we slowly move half a car length forward.
“What’s wrong?”
“The temperature gauge,” he says pointing down at it. From my side and experience – and let’s be honest, I’m never going to be known for being auto-mechanically inclined – I can guess that the shift on arrows here isn’t the usual for his tank. “The longer we sit in this shit, the hotter the engine’s getting.”
“I’m betting that’s a bad thing.”
Thankfully, John knows when I’m joking in an attempt to lighten his mood and he reaches over to grab my hand while we watch the gauge rise steadily.
……............
The good news? Pulling off the highway and letting the car rest for five minutes pushes the engine’s temperature back to normal.
The bad news? After relaxing with a bag of Funyons [how I had never had them in the first 29 years of my life, I shall never know] in a Catholic school parking lot, finding our way back onto the highway from this adorably cliché uppity yuppie enclave and finally making it over the DC border onto the Clara Barton Highway we are once again stuck in re-donculous traffuck.
Between the still fluctuating engine temperature, the steady warm rain beating on the car windows, the angst at being still a good 10 miles and 30 minutes away from where we need to be and the shit-tastic driving skills of this Maryland asshat in front of us our moods are frayed.
This jerk in a tiny little ragtop sports car has been driving down the middle of the road, half-in/half-out of both lanes and constantly is swerving to block attempts at anyone passing him on either side.
Yepp. Northern Virginia traffic sucks ass.
After what feels like 16 years [or just took 16 years off of my life] spent cursing out just about everyone around us, the GPS [who seems to enjoy interrupting me whenever I start to say something to John] and Washington DC in-general, we pull into an overpriced, well-lit, very packed parking garage and I quickly hang up the phone seeing Edie walking towards us in a cute sweater/dress ensemble. I primp while John has a stress-cigarette.
We made it.
Definitely good news.
In fact, we actually made it in good time, ahead of our projected schedule, that we were able to pick up copies of Jen’s new book, a copy of Pretty in Plaid for John, and eye the escalators for signs of the Barnes & Noble café on the third floor. Thankfully, my policy of neurotic panoramic observing [some call it paranoid-based-spying, I prefer my term] paid off when I spied a caramel ponytail topping a lovely blue’n’green striped top and knew that Jen was in the house.
Thankfully, Jen isn't caught offguard when we approach; in fact she's enthused and glad to see me - pulling me into an immediate hug - and thrilled to talk about both knitting and John. Having now learned to knit [see chapters of Tao of Martha] she understands and is doubly-so impressed with the scarves my Mum knits, as well as the one she knitted for Jen last year. Pulling John into a bear hug, she just gives me a huge grin over his shoulder as she knows about my lackluster/hillarious dating history and I may or may not have gone on at length about him in various e-mails with her since we began dating back in January.
............……
The event's gone off without a hitch … well, except that the microphone kept going in and out, they held an adult humor reading/signing in the middle of the children’s book section (fully decked out in 100 Acre Wood regalia - HOLLA!) and the handler was either mildy incompetent or masively lackadaisical [and as someone who did that when I worked in a bookstore I can tell you it isn’t that tough to ride herd]. Basically without a hitch, right?
Why yes, Bennifer 2.0 is still fucking fabulous ... AND MATCHING!
Jen was fabulous, looked fabulous and was fabulously amazing – shoring up plans for us to all see each other tomorrow in North Carolina … that is, if this fachachta tropical storm doesn’t destroy the east coast – and taking the time to chat and pose for photos with her myriad of fans that filled up the large room.
I sure hope the wet roads are better in the dark. I mean, traffic home can’t be that bad, can it?
.................
Thankfully, it’s smooth sailing back to John’s house where we collapse in a heap on the bed. I fall asleep mumbling something about DC’s traffic being the fourth circle of Dante’s Inferno.
............……
Car packed with snack food for 300+ mile road trip? Check. Car filled up with gas? Check. Multiple packs of caffeine pills, bottles of Monster Java and a very large mug of my requisite bitter, bitter black coffee? Holy-you-bet-your-ass check.
Boyfriend in the driver’s seat, Edie in the seat behind me and my Mum in the seat behind him we pull out onto the highway – her travel bag, while honed after a dozen-plus business trips to conferences over the last few years, is still roughly twice the size of mine, dwarfing it in the way-back. A fact I rag her on.
Of course, I forgot to pack a back-up pair of socks – this round to you, Mum. This round to you.
Why yes, I realize I do need to develop a steady hand when taking photos ...
Passing back and forth another bag of Funyons, a batch of chocolate and thin mint cookies and some delicious toffee Edie baked up this morning (inspired by the chapter Jen read at last night’s event in which she tackled “Easy Toffee”) we’re making good time as we head south, through and past Richmond.
How friggin' awesome is John? Also? Still blurry, I know. I know.
A-and I just spoke too soon: the rain just found and bitch-slapped us.
............……
What looms above us is probably best described as ‘God’s intestinal distress’.
Clouds roil, winds howl and the rain is coming down in sheets so strong and solid I’m pretty sure that Noah’s somewhere texting “Enuf Dude, we get it”. The storm is (of course) coming from the south. Which direction are we solidly heading? South. Jen is tweeting - @altgeldshrugged – updates on her plane/car/plane travails as she tries to make the journey from DC to Raleigh to Cary.
If mental will were capable of dispersing the rain and clearing the weather up not only would we have sunny skies right now, but the level of concentration I’m bending towards it would produce rainbow-farting unicorns. Alas, all I see is more grey; more clouds; more rain … ooh, and jerkwads without their headlights on while the rain is pouring out of the sky’s asscrack.
What proceeds as we drive down the road is a blur [literally and figuratively *sigh*] of rain, grey skies, goofy photos, more rain, a slew of inappropriate jokes and yet more rain. When we make a turn and pull past a tall copse of pines, somewhere about forty-five minutes into North Carolina, and the bright azure blue of a rain free sky greets us I may be muttering along the lines of “all rain and no sky make Homer something, something” [ten points if you got The Simpsons Treehouse of Terror Halloween Special ‘The Shinning’ reference – for the rest of you, go and look it up. I’ll wait].
Huh, who knew: North Carolina is actually kinda pretty when you’re not drowning in a tropical storm.
Maybe that should be their new advertising slogan?
............……
Our hotel is off the beaten path [and by that I mean we practically have to make an illegal U-turn to pull off the street and into the shopping center surrounded by lovely pines – this state seems chock full of pines, what's up with that? – flanking the hotel] which affords us a lovely bit of privacy and view of some lovely pine-y vistas out of our room.
Speaking of our room, I hope Mum and Edie’s is even half this nice; a large and comfortable bed, well-sized desk with – ooh, is that a plush desk chair? And, unless I’m completely nutters, that’s a fully-accommodating kitchenette. By the time I’m finished spinning in the room taking photos to document the trip [for both posterity and for you, Dani] to flop down on the bed beside John, the room phone’s ringing.
No time for romance, I guess.
YAY! Less blurry ... perhaps I've developed a photographer's hand?
I pick up on the third ring, but not before stealing a quick kiss; Mum’s voice greets me.
“Boys, are you ready?”
“Almost.”
“Almost? Are you sure?”
[Can you see a theme here? Do these people know me and my penchant for stalling and taking for-fucking-ever to get ready? One of the first things Mum and John bonded over was my habit of changing an outfit two or three times before I even leave the house.]
Throwing caution to the wind – and the perfectly chosen outfit of pink and black I was ALREADY WEARING, GAH! Why did I just abandon you, Tao of Fabulous? – I change into a cross between grunge and prep [Prunge? Grep?]: pink tee, pink/grey/black/white plaid flannel shirt, the requisite pearls and nice jeans with way-too-expensive leather boots. Still spraying on my cologne, I allow John to usher me out the door (taking long enough to note that the bathroom has great lighting for doing hair but absolutely NO fan for air circulation. WTF?).
I’m already regretting my wardrobe choice – malfunction? – by the time we’re in the car and fighting with the sassy GPSes. Mum’s refuses to believe we aren’t still in Fredericksburg and John’s refuses to a) pick up a strong enough signal for us to hunt down the address and b) do anything other than talk over me. Every time I seem to open my mouth – at this point, I’m surly when I do – the GPS’ English-accent lilt proceeds to gain volume and passive-aggressively hush me.
“We can’t be that lost, I mean the hotel’s only a mile and a half from the boo-”
“Gaining signal, please wait.”
“What the? How big does a nail supply store have to be? That thing is at least half the size of Wal-”
“Would you like to direct me to your destination?”
“I swear, if we didn’t need that fucking GPS to get us home, I’d throw it out the d-”
“Proceed to the highlighted route and you will arrive at your destination.”
If her little tinny voice could sound any more smug I’d suspect her of being a female Newman [Seinfeld reference, kiddies – look it up]. As it is, I grumpily lean back in my seat while we search for, eventually pull up to and hunt for a parking spot at the rather-full Barnes & Noble. Hrmm. I guess Jen has a lot of fans here in North Carolina. True, she’s probably not coming back for a while, so I’m sure a lot have come out to see her. We’re also not running that late, are we? Her event starts at 7:30 and it’s only 7:40 by the time the demented offspring of Hal 2000 has led us here.
............……
Of course we’re late.
Of course we’ve missed a good chunk of Jen’s reading (true, John, Edie and I had heard it last night, but Mum hasn’t). And of course it’s packed. And of-freaking-course even though John and I stand a good head taller than the majority of fans who are filling out this 200-ish packed room it’s a bitch trying to see past the Bride of Frankenstein Hippie Housewife [if I could take a photo of her without drawing attention to myself, I would, but I’m afraid she’d claw my face off before hissing down my neck-hole] and the lovely large column smack dab in our view.
How would the Tao of Fabulous have us deal with this? Poise sounds about right.
Ha! I know: it’s a good thing neither of us is a stranger to heels so that we can stand on our toes to better our vantage without much strain as we lean on each other.
............……
When we walked in and picked up our books we were all given colored slips of paper; red, orange and yellow. The lovely slips in Mum’s and John’s hands are yellow [at this point I have so many books signed for me, friends and family I could possibly set up my own store, if I were willing to part with a single one – I’m just here for the Jen-ness] which means a decently-long wait is ahead of us, if I make my guess right.
As we stand and mill around the oh-so-short-man-complex event wrangler goose steps around the audience checking to make sure we only queue up when our color AND group are called. And lest anyone here were to misstep, mishear or goof-up somehow, he loudly reminds us that he WOULD be regularly walking through the line checking our color slips.
Where last night I railed against the lazy half-assed-ness of the lady in Maryland, I am now almost crying in mourning for those halcyon days of yore. One extreme to the other it seems: lazy to uptight dick-weasel.
When John and I leave the seating area to pick up food in the café – I did mention I’m a sucker for their frou-frou coffee drinks and over-priced sandwiches, no? – he glares at us. When I walk back to the bathroom to hit the loo because the frou-frou coffee drink has already cycled through my system? He glared at me. When I threaten to take his lanyard and choke him with it, he glared … well, he would have if I hadn’t just fantasized about that last part, writing it into a quick text to a friend.
All the while, Jen – like last night and countless other stops over the years since she began touring with her second book, 2007's Bright Lights, Big Ass [probably my favorite collection of humor essays. EVER] – smiles, makes personal and intuitive talk and poses with her fans for countless photos. You can tell that despite the heat, the gyganormously wicked weather and crazy traffic, Jen truly enjoys meeting and interacting with her fans.
After waiting for the Color Threat to pass Code Orange – people came out of the woodwork to appear with that damned orange slip of paper; I wouldn’t be surprised if dickwad Line Nazi had plants hidden throughout the store just to muck with Yellows [the name feels almost pejorative at this point]– and make it to Code Yellow, the four of us wend our (sweaty) way up to Jen. [Yes, I know this is the South and the heat is natural, but we live in an age with the blessings of Central Air, please take advantage of this, okay?] The five of us chat away while photos are snapped with classic Ikon cameras, iphone camera apps and everything in-between. I sure hope the photos of me in this outfit don’t suck [they will].
See? Told you the photos would suck of the outfit ... hence only one. Heh.
Before it hits me that we’ve made it, Jen is hugging me and we’re saying our good-byes and promises for next year.
...........……
Having survived an all-too-early wake-up [I'm on a vacation road-trip, 10 am is too-damn-early] Edie suggests, while Mum and John second the motion, we throw caution to the wind (and possibly our intestinal stability) and break our fast with the ubiquitous Southern roadside fare of The Waffle House. After all, what road trip is complete without a morning filled with stomach-gratifying grease to kick it off?
Between the angry Serbian(?) man who cannot grasp the concept of tax on food, the actual queue of people dressed UP to dine here, the 20-something waitress who cannot quite figure out a bill’s total with both a calculator and our waitress’ aid and the creepy little man (woman?) in an ill-fitting page-boy wig of indistinguishable color – is it black? Brown? Animal? – there is enough going on around us to keep me entertained as I slowly come awake [aided by the bitter, bitter black coffee] waiting for our breakfast to arrive.
To say we devoured breakfast would be an understatement: despite my natural aversion to all things The Waffle House [long story, don’t ask] I happily tuck in and only leave enough on my plate to warrant a doggie bag for the remnants of John’s hash browns and my sausage and ham. The acrid taste of the industrial vat-made coffee is very soothing and soon I’m playing footsie with my sweetie while we all laugh and talk over one another about how we feel this road trip is going.
Consensus: well.
After a cadet blue sky, overcast and dull, when we left the hotel, the weather is now bright as we step out of The Waffle House; white wisps of cloud frame the brilliant blue of the pastel sky as we walk out to the tank, my fingers entwined in John’s. We have several hundred miles to go, true, but we are on our last leg of this whirlwind tour. Who knows what stop we’ll make en route home? When we make it over the Virginia state line we can hit the Visitor’s Center and make a decision where we’ll stop on our way back to Fredericksburg: Williamsburg, Lynchburg, Petersburg, another ‘burg? Perhaps the Hipster enclave of Careytown in Richmond?
The road is open and the Tao of Fabulous says to go where we will – but just to do so with flair and fabulous wit.
And pearls – don’t forget the pearls.
............……
I would be remiss in not thanking those who went with me and endured my plethora of neuroses and bitch fits [okay, a few hissy fits probably happened, too – mea culpa] up, down and back again.
Thank you to Edie Orazi for being an unexpected joy on this trip – your delicious toffee was only outdone by your fabulous company. We’ll have to do this again. Consider it a date, young lady!
A HUGE and repeated thank you to my Mum, Lori Kissell; every time we take a trip – whether it be a road trip, a train-driven escape or a cross-country flight – I find myself walking away even closer to you and loving you all-the-more. The rest of our family may be leery of playing Trivial Pusuit against a Jeopardy champion, but I’ll always be happy to play (and even occasionally win) with you!
I cannot express how thankful I am to my wonderful, usually-patient, always understanding and perennially smart-alecky boyfriend, John; you are my rock, my best friend, my wicked other half. Thank you for being the driver to my mental getaway and for your steady hand behind the wheel when it’s a literal getaway – I can’t say enough how lucky I am and how much I love you!
And a huge thank you to Jen for being both an inspiration and a fantastic friend to know the last 7 years. I still occasionally pinch myself in glee to be your East Coast Gay! When I grow up - if I have to - I want to be a lot like you: smart, funny, kind, generous ... and snarky enough to put the fear of God in hipsters.
CARRIE BRADSHAW AIN'T THE ONLY GAME IN TOWN [a.k.a. that article I trot out every few years to show I'm not a knock-off Sex And the City writer; proving it when I toss you a purposefully SATC article to show you the difference in my voice, tone and ... man, this is a long title, isn't it?]
Benjamin Kissell
"I don't know about you girls, but I can't fathom what I was thinking looking back at those outfits from seasons 1-4." "Yeah you do - we were being paid to be walking mannequins, Kim."
In my early 20's, there wasn't a cheap fad, fashionably chic course or retro neuveau tack I didn't try to stay ahead of and yet, it somehow wasn't UNTIL my very early 20's that I finally landed on the bandwagon that the ENTIRE FREAKING WORLD had been latched onto [like a hipster in skinny jeans latches onto his organically-grown coffee] - I found my love for Sex and the City and became one of the herd. And it was fun.
Don't get me wrong, I'd heard about it before then - its popularity had been as ubiquitous as the heretofore mentioned hipsters in skinny jeans are now [seriously, walk down a sidewalk or through your local mall and count them up ... you'll thank me - or be so depressed you down half a box of wine (white, not red you heathen)], however, despite its popularity I hadn't discovered how SATC related to me. True, I was a mildly-fashion-conscious gay man living in a large small-town (or a small large-town, whichever you prefer), but whenever Sarah Jessica Parker and her emaciated frame showed up on my television screen shilling for HBO's newest season of bobbleheads I took a 'Not me' stance.
That is, until I made the fateful mistake that haunted my mother for weeks afterward ... I caught the first mini-marathon when TBS began airing it [I may have subjected her to a viewing of the entire first season when I ran out and bought it on dvd the next day ... 8+ years later and I'm not sure if she's forgiven me yet].
By 2008 and the release of the first SATC movie, I already owned 5 out of 6 seasons, had a myriad of pink and high heel-themed accoutrements and had discovered a love of all things chick lit [of course, for the last part I really can lay that at the feet of Jen Lancaster, but that's another article]. I was a gay man hooked. I had a sickness and I had also discovered my love of writing in the similar dating vein as the fictional Bradshaw and her real-life counterpart (and creator) Candace Bushnell.
My humor posts about my dating life (the ups and downs) on various pages [okay, mostly my rotating Myspace pages ... don't judge me, 'twas 2005-8 when it was still slightly popular] had garnered me a slew of fans and, of course, more than the occasional comparison to Bradshaw and Bushnell. In an effort to show how different my voice was from the SATC vibe, and in celebration of the release of the film, I penned an article where I took on the role of Carrie Bradshaw in my own little community.
That article is what follows, please enjoy ... and if you don't? Well, who forced you to read it?! Oh, I did? Well, still. Sit back, relax and enjoy the ride anyways.
..........................
"If I pose awkwardly in designer couture, no one will be able to tell I've been starving the entire production and would happily gnaw off the knee of the nearest Grip. Right?"
Cue the “dah, dah dah, dah dahdahdah dah …"
Fredericksburg
is a moderate city, in the picturesque riverside of the Rappahannock,
and in that city, there are thousands and thousands of single people,
all colliding in an attempt to find themselves and that “special one” they can call their own.
On
any given day, there are several hundred thousand stories going on in The City which sometimes dozes in the sun, but here we'll focus on 4 friends; 4 single ‘girls’ who just want to
make it through the day and have some fun – because girls do just wanna
have fun.
Today is a Tuesday evening and a light rain is falling
upon The City, but this doesn’t deter any of the twig-like
overly-made-up and designer-dressed girls and their friends from speeding around the area,
walking in knock-off labels and shopping the high-end stores while they totter on stalactite heels which promise future crippling.
It's on this kind of evening that these 4 friends – me and mine – decide to
meet up at our favorite restaurant and around the table our day’s
events are re-capped and gone over with a fine-tooth comb. Where we have
no qualms about our ‘kiss and tell’ stories.
.........................
Outside of
downtown lives and works Sarah, who speeds past obstacles and itinerant drivers in her stylized green sedan:
confident, stylish, a sexy brunette, she works by day in the financial
district doing banking work. Recently 21, she is the kind of confident and curvy woman that men throw themselves at and many female
co-workers eye with envy. She lives with her best friend and close
confidant, Johnny, but still finds time for her work, close
“girlfriends” and yet, more time to work her way through college while shopping like there's no tomorrow.
Past downtown, in the western suburbs we find Christany winding her way in her black pick-up truck: vivacious, energetic, larger than life, Christany is the sort of
petite blonde bombshell not seen since the days of Marilyn and Mansfield. She
may be the youngest of our group, at 19, but, don't let that fool you,
she is full of spitfire energy and wisdom, her firm convictions lend
themselves to her stalwart character and a bright future. She works in
the private sector, in her family-held company. Many have mistakenly
assumed that the earnestness and baby-blue sweetness of Christany means
she is lacking in worldly knowledge – a big mistake. Just because she
lives by the credo “a ring and a priest” doesn’t mean, she is naïve.
While
across and from uptown, Nate drives by in his smart and sensible blue compact car:
smart, kind, caring, long-minded and stalwart, at 22 he is the most
successful of our group, working deep in the corporate sector. Tall, at
6’2, his dirty blond locks, short-cut of course, are accented by his
deep blue eye, he gains and garners appreciative looks from men like a
Park Avenue Socialite collects shoes. Much like Christany, he has enough
confidence in him to light up the city, allowing others to bask in his
brilliance. Quick witted, Nate has often been the comic center of
whatever group he is in, and if there isn’t one, he draws it to him.
And
then, there’s me, Benjamin, driving from the outlying northern 'burbs to the chic bistro in my classic clunker – a powdery blue
sub-compact: at 24, almost 25, I am the oldest of our group, having seen
a sometimes-too-much of the world and yet remaining so sheltered that I almost naively
hold onto optimism (an oft-dangerous quality, or at least a
get-me-into-a-bad-situation trait). In the 7+ years I’ve been dating, I've seen so much; yet, it’s but a drop in the bucket to the drama and man-troubles available to us. At almost 5’11
(a solid 6 foot with gelled hair and couture shoes) I attract a
moderate amount of attention from men … some good, some bad, and many just plain funny.
We meet up, I arrive last, at
our usual dining spot. Having just missed Sarah (I wave at her as she
drives past me in the parking lot, called back to work without a cocktail to sooth her), I sit next to Nate in the booth.
Sidling in, I reach for the drink menu as a new and different waitress
leans in and joins our conversation in a welcome manner, enjoying the
banter. Giving her my ID, I decide to order a Cosmo, in honor of the
day, and I lean in for the commentary from my girls.
Christany,
it seems, is in-between assignations with the company, having finished a
job earlier in the evening, she is waiting for the call to head to the
next. Like is often the case, she and Nate engage each other in fierce
(but non-combative) conversation, debating everything from the case of
“nature vs. nurture” to religion. Tonight isn’t any different.
The
waitress arrives with my heavily vodka-laced pink drink, which burns pleasantly on the way down giving me a warm glow on this rain-drippy evening.
Realizing I don’t want to drive drunk – well, mildly intoxicated – I
decided to pick up an entree of “loaded potato skins” to help stave off
the effects.
While we talk and gab, Nate and Christany
trading quips and smart barbs, I fill them in on my day at work,
mentioning that after leaving retail-hell, I met up with my other friend
(the gorgeous brunette, Christine) at the movies, where we shared
popcorn, soda, and a love for the girls of “Sex and the City” (me,
appropriately decked out in pink and chic). As we chat, we also keep an
eye on the inhabitants of the bar, and even note a well-muscled young
man who brushed past us as he made his way back to the bathroom and
returned to the bar. Christany, as the least subtle of us (a feat Nate
closely follows her in and I am fast gaining on), has made mention of
his “gawgeous ass”, to which I reply in a not-too-hushed “mmm”, while I
bend my head in his direction.
Men-watching, intense
conversation, drinks and fun are our norm, and with the weather turning
mildly on us, we are not surprised when Christany receives the call to
head to her next job. Getting the checks, we pay and turn to leave.
And that is when Fredericksburg’s innate sense of humor comes to pass.
I
hug Christany, and as I turn to walk past – in my pink and grey finery, my hair not-quite-as-coiffed as I'd like –
I notice a familiar face dipped forward in conversation, one eye on
me, the other on his dinner partner. Like his hand.
My own most recent mistake. My Mr. Big.
It’s
been months - almost a year - since I cut him out of my life. Over nine
months since last I saw him. Apparently, The City decided I had a ticket for unclaimed emotional baggage that it wanted me to pick up.
Especially if I'm not having a good hair-day, asshole!
In shock, I said the first thing which came to mind: “Mother-fucking cocksucker”.
Hoping to slip away before I'm noticed, I turned to breeze past, tossing a goodbye wave to Christany and Nate. All hopes to gracefully exit the
restaurant before I caused a scene fled when I had to shove the doors open which caused the wind to catch my jacket and flip it open and into my face as my currently no-longer-gel-held hair whipped into something reminiscent of Something About Mary. Flushed with embarrassment, I realize that I'd shoved my feelings about
what had happened out of the way - zipping them closed in a Louis Vuitton suitcase which I'd been doing my best to forget where it'd been left - instead of dealing with and then getting past them.
Nate
calls these moments, 'Toldja So's' – because he usually has.
When I get home, I slough my finery in lieu of comfort-clothes and a knitted cap over the fly-away hair in my bedroom and soon find myself at my desk, staring blankly at the laptop
screen when I begin to wonder …
When we end something with someone, is
it really over? Or do they have to end it with you, too?
Can you present your ticket and release your emotional baggage with someone? Or do you both have to pick up your luggage to let it go? Does the unclaimed
emotional baggage just trail behind you; eventually
going unnoticed until it’s just a regular part of you
Deciding
not to let these questions go unanswered, I unblock Big’s screenname from
my Instant Messanger long enough to see that he was online. Hemming and hawing, I take a swig of my coffee and begin to type a direct and simple message.
Of course, he immediately responds.
Politely
engaging him in conversation for a few minutes from there I realize he
hasn’t changed at all: he's still a selfish and petty, self-centered
little boy in a grown man's body. He tells me all about the cute new guy he's been
seeing (the slim, effeminate boy with cashmere and express jeans he had
his hand on at dinner) - whether he thinks this will bond us or brag, I don't care to know.
It's clear that the baggage has been picked up and discarded on his end.
Deciding that the healthiest thing I can do is to end all contact between us on a clean and honest note, I decide to be blunt and tell him that I
know all about his cheating and the lying that he thought he'd hidden from me and that he needs to be more selective in his
trysts. And then I hit the 'Block' button and lean back in my desk chair.
As I sit there, my knees at my chin and my
computer screen glowing in front of me, I begin to glow in turn. Smiling
to myself, I feel the cold weight of the anger I’d been carrying around
since the end of me and Big lift off. My smile is genuine, for the
first time since his caustic words at the end of us I don’t
hate him.
I don’t want to avoid him, forget him or hate him. I just want to move past him.
Of course, this means Nate was right. Again.
In the end, though, we have to claim the emotional baggage - whether to keep it with us, or to hopefully let it go on its merry way and our part in packing it so heavily. Sometimes all we need is a little self-confidence and the temerity to go through with finding the answers.
That ... and some really good friends with cocktails.
SUMMER READS 2013 [or, read what I tell you to, because they're damn good books]
Benjamin Kissell
"Marjorie, will you pass the sunscreen?" "Sure, just lemme finish this chapter." "But that's what you said 30 minutes ago." "Mm hmm, and you believed me then; it's not like you're getting any less Jersey Shore tan, is it?" "Marjorie, remind me to smack you when I finish this page."
What happens when you run out of wine, daquiri, vodka and reads - then eventually patience and tolerance - while you're at the beach? Well, if you're anything like me [and let's face it, if you read my articles, you're prolly already on that path] you reach for your phone to protest about it through twitter before you get up and hunt down a combination thereof.
Some [read: many] might hit up the bar to replenish waning stock and glare at the annoying hipsters and scantily-clad men and women who completely-destroy-your-self-esteem, but I would like to think that my influence would lead the rest to either turning on their e-reader and downloading a new book or hitting up their vacation hotspot's bookstore.
[Last year, while on the twee North Carolina island we took our vacation on there was 1) so little cell signal that I couldn't tweet my displeasure at running out of Chardonnay let alone download a new book and 2) such weak internet for the first 3 days that it rendered my tablet next-to-useless. So, instead of whining - yes, I do more than just that - I went to the local wine and book shop and bought several new reads which got me through the week.]
[Yes, I do realize how awesome it was that I found a store which sold wine AND books.]
[Double-yes, they fucking sold chocolate, too!]
*Ahem* Anyways; the best way to either get through such a situation or recover from it is to have a list of fantastic reads to pull from. Names and titles to keep an eye out for.
Wonderful books recommended by yours truly.
Whether they are from some of my favorite authors, friends or someone I've never met but enjoyed, the following books are all ones which ought to find their ways into your beach bag, your back-pack, your purse or your deck's chair-side table.
As she read Jaws, little Abigail decided that it was quite a good thing she was already floating in a warm pool ...
The newest memoir from multiple-time NYT bestselling author (who also happens to be my literary hero and friend) of fiction and non-fiction came out June 4th. Jen took on LIVING [baddum bum ching] a year under the precepts and guidance of Martha Stewart where she learned: What to eat, how to pray and who to love. I can't tell you how impressed I am that she successfully merged the brilliant dictates of all-things Martha, the empress of domesticity, within her own life while retaining her signature wit, self-effacement and connectivity to her audience. Think Julie and Julia ... but funnier.
A summer run doesn't feel complete now without a romp with the brilliant Notaro (whose own books helped inspire Jen Lancaster) [and three of whose books kept me from losing my mind on the aforementioned NC trip last year], a multiple-time award-winning and NYT bestselling author of fiction and non-fiction. Her newest collection of essays and wit feels like you're sitting in the corner of your local coffee shop telling apalling and hilarious stories you-probably-shouldn't-be-sharing with your best friend, regaling yourselves with embarassment and brilliance.
The anthology which inspired the Sundance Channel's hit series follows 20+ brilliant writers' points of view and tales on being the fag hag, the fruit fly, the gay-best-friend and many permutations of the relationships between gay men and straight women. Edited by the author of the super-huge-hit YA Blue Bloods series, de la Cruz, this collection features work by some of my favorite authors and several friends. For example, Stacey Ballis' love of gay men showcased here helped influence the relationships of several protagonists in her best-selling novels. It's been a distinct pleasure to chat with David Levithan over the years and this read gives even more insight into why we get along. Brian Sloan, the genius behind WTC View (play and film) who I helped set up a tour with back in 2008, wrote a piece that I can identify with in so many respects it's almost eerie (which is partly explained that we grew up in the same general area). A must-read for any gay man, straight woman or anything in-between.
Humorist, satirist and bullshit-call-out would all be appropriate words to describe Brandon Mendelson and his book, Social Media is Bullshit. Tired of all the empty hype and complete bollocks that social media gurus preach through Twitter, Google+ and what-have-you? So is Brandon. There is nothing wrong with a little elbow grease and hard work, but, so many of the social media (which he correctly points out is an oxymoronic phrase) sellers want you to believe that you get something for nothing and that's just plain bullshit. Delivered with Brandon's distinctive wit and verve, this how-to-survive the upcoming dot-com 2.0 burst with straightforward truths left me laughing and thinking.
Return with Freeman Hall into the world of Retail Hell in his 2nd memoir, the follow-up to his hit Retail Hell and his collection of humor essays, Stuff that Makes a Gay Heart Weep [Okay, I'll admit, not only is Freeman a friend - we met after his first book's release - but, I helped edit STMaGHW and was a regular contributer to its website ... in fact, my writings for both of his websites helped launch my website through here - so THANK YOU FREEMAN!!!]. Join him as he shows you the windows onto the tortured retail soul complete with roaming Shopasaurus/i, thieving and deceitful children, lying and conniving discount rats and a slew of co-workers you wouldn't want to be within 10 leagues of, let alone work with. You'll laugh and you'll cry with Freeman on this follow-up journey of introspective thought and biting wit.
Okay, MASSIVE confession time: each of these e-book anthologies includes an essay or short story by me. But I'd recommend them regardless because there are some damn fun stories which will bump your blood pressure to lethal levels, make you laugh so hard you'll cry in pain and roll on the floor wincing in sympathy. Collected from the various regular contributers to Retail Hell Underground and chosen by Freeman, these e-books are sold through Amazon but will convert to any digital reader device. My pieces to look out for in them are as follows: Little Monster Hell - "Sticky Fingers" Discount Hell - "Maryland Brown'n'Dirty" Stolen Hell - "Stabiliity is Overrated" Coworker Hell - "The Devil Wears Wal-Mart"
Caprice Crane's sophomore novel, the delightful comedy of errors, was so good that I couldn't put it down upon buying it and devoured it in one night, staying up until 7am - I just HAD to know how it would end. Would she recover? Was her memory truly gone? Would she marry the wrong man? The right one? Released in 2007, Forget About It has held a place of affection in my library since its release [NOT just because I adore Caprice and am lucky enough to count her as a friend] and I can bet it will for decades to come. Full of wit, heart, depth and sparkling dialogue it isn't hard to see why it's both audience-loved and critically well-received. Caprice brilliantly weaves a tale of mistakes, criss-crosses and confusion that will keep you holding on until the end.
And after you read it, pick up Caprice's newest novel, Confessions of a Hater, when it hits bookstores in August. Caprice brilliantly and deftly mingles her Hollywood and New York City roots in each of her novels and this one looks to be no exception, promising biting wit and some unbelievably fun snark.
Stacey Ballis, who makes me laugh every time I am lucky enough to chat with her, constantly delivers in her novels - whether it is one where she turns the food world on its ear or plays with your expectations and catches you unawares. Spinster Sisters helped me feel better for a good long while that I chose to be single because I made it for the right reasons. Chock full of three-dimensional characters, dilemmas, drama and dazzling wit you'll hate when the book ends, wanting more.
Coming out in December is Stacey's newest novel, Out to Lunch, which draws from the rich literary and culinary world she lives in and creates a fantastic new tale ... which may or may not have a fantastically gay character with a name you might recognize. Just sayin' - keep eyes peeled.
Why yes, Jen writes fiction as well as non-fiction ... but, both will keep you on the edge of your bed laughing. In her 2nd fiction debut, Jen tackles such immense roots as Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion, Whitesnake and Hot Tub Time Machine in a journey of self-discovery where our completely feckless hero faces her high school demons which make LiLo and the Heathers look positively sweet in comparison. Will she come out the other side better for it? And who will pay the price for her learning curve?
The fourth installment in the Heather Wells mystery series from the acclaimed writer of The Princess Diaries, follows former pop-singer turned-collegiate-administrator and part-time detective Heather as she is forced to confront a murderous mystery involving attacks on her ex-boyfriend's fiancee (whom he cheated on her with) all in her school's dorms. Cabot had me with the first installment, Size 12 is Not Fat, and has kept me tangled in the drama and the death with each successive (and successful) mystery, year after year.
And this September, catch the fifth volume, The Bride Wore Size 12, when it hits shelves. What will happen when Heather's looming wedding develops interesting, and morgue-linked, entanglements?
Okay, how I didn't know that there was FINALLY a fucking sequel to The Devil Wears Prada? Now, don't get me wrong, I LOVED the movie - Meryl bloody Streep, Anne ruddy Hathaway and Emily buggery Blunt are three of my favorite modern actresses - but it had very little resembling the original, biting and satirical book (including a very different, and much more happy-go-lucky ending than the book). I can hardly wait to read Lauren's newest and return to the world we all fell in love with. Of course, now when I read it I won't be able to help hearing Blunt and Streep's voices in my head jesting with the reader.
The conclusion to Simner's ground-breaking and brilliant YA series comes to bookstores near you! Simner took the post-apocalyptic genre and turned it on its ear with the release of Bones of Faerie. Gone were the stereotypical undead clamboring after the pockets of human resistance, in their place were pockets of surviving humans under siege from the magical destruction rent upon their world from their war with Faerie. The most inoccuous of things could kill you, a homicidal sunflower or man-eating willow tree, and the world was darker and more beautiful in her telling for it. Now, in the third chapter the fates of Faerie and Earth are entwined on the decisions made by our brave, and young, heroine. I can't tell you how eagerly I've awaited its release.
I picked this book up back in 2007 when it appeared on the new hardcovers table in Borders and found myself awash in a snarky, raunchy and rather accurate [at least to my myth-minded self and my Latin teaching Mum] depiction of a family of Greek Gods trying to make their way through 21st century London. In fact, it was such an impactful read that it (and the novel Venus Envy by Shannon McElden) inspired my short story, "winnebaGODS on High" for a forthcoming American Travels anthology. Phillips deftly wound a large cosmological-implications tale with one of the human condition, something I aspire to and hope to one day achieve.
The newest team-up from the award-winning and brilliant minds of the two Charles [I was lucky enough to meet them both in 2011 at FaerieCon in Baltimore and get autographed art and books] is an elaboration on their tale, A Circle of Cats which, in-turn, was partly inspired by ideas appearing in Neil Gaiman's The Sandman series. The reader gets the privilege of following the journey of a little girl as she is rescued from Death by the magic of cats and is set upon a path of discovery, delightfully told and illustrated by this wonderful team. Vess' work has appeared in a multitude of comic books, graphic novels, novels, and innumerable images throughout the internet and has a uniquely dreamy quality which makes his work on Faerie tales all-the-more appropos. De Lint has written more fantasy novels than you could shake a stick at and one day I hope to own them all.
Patricia A. McKillip is one of those prolific authors whose work has yet to dissapoint me, despite the pile of her books which takes up a large corner of my largest bookshelf. Whether she makes you squirm from the implications of a philandering spousal nymph or longing for answers to what happens to a stranded Undine, this collection of her short stories - including a previously unpublished speech - is a lovely display of her 30-odd years in the Fantasy genre.
What happens when you take your classic Fairy tale about princesses, stable boys, a kingdom in peril, a dangerous cosmological force and a dragon and turn them on their ear? Well, you get this terrific and at moments almost terrifying middle-grade novel for all-ages from Kelly Barnhill [and yes, the chats I've had with her are always fun, whether debating Doctor Who or the merits of the Grimm's fairy tales]. Princess Violet isn't your average princess and Barnhill makes sure that you walk away realizing what a strong-willed, iron-hearted, and positive figure a non-Disney princess can be ... for all of her flaws, Violet is one of those rare protagonists who not only inspires but aspires. In between work and friends, I still made sure I wasn't going to bed before I finished this delightful novel in one day.
Whether you think you know where the story will go or not, it doesn't. Follow in the adventures catalogued in the first volume of Vengekeep - a stunning and fun, epic-minded middle-grade novel for all-ages. Farrey crafts a bewitching and oft-times hilarious world somewhere between The Princess Bride and The Chronicles of Spiderwick. [Like with his demi-neighbor, Kelly, Brian and I have had some fun conversations on The Doctor and Star Trek: TNG] The fact that the second volume, The Shadowhand Covenant, is due for release this October isn't helping things as I want to know what happens NOW! NOW! NOW! NOW! And I'm betting, like me, you'll wanna know it too.
One of the perennial favorites of fantasy authors world-wide, Emma Bull's novel helped truly usher in the modern era of Urban Fantasy. Dark, gritty, real, lauding, uplifting, tittering, teetering on the precipice and a thousand other adjectives could be thrown out in attempts to describe this novel, but, all would fail to capture the stark brilliance. I discovered her work in the same anthology I found Patricia A. McKillip in, as a young man, The Faery Reel. Her breadth of tale in short form is something I can only hope to capture one day. War for the Oaks helped usher in an era where authors could play with Faeries in more than just the Victorian gardens or lush warfields of Middle Earth and for that, I couldn't be more thankful.
Speaking of Urban Faery stories, Wicked Lovely - the debut novel from Marr back in 2007 - is the perfect melding of classic Irish faery tales and the Urban fantasy genre spearheaded by War for the Oaks. Marr launched a beautiful and harsh series with this twist on the classic story of the battle between Summer and Winter crafting an epic-minded world just slightly different from ours for its inclusion of the Good Neighbors. Simple rules for the Faery-sighted helped keep Aislinn's world rooted ... until they were broken and the repercussisons shook her very world to its core and changed her life forever. Four follow-up novels followed the Dark Court, the High Court, The Summer and Winter Courts and the solitary Fey as their worlds began to collide.
Deftly, and dizzyingly, mixing together The Tempest by William Shakespeare, Aasimov-ian sentient robots, a dystopian future rife with death and beauty, and the startling worlds of the Olympian Gods as they interfere in the decade-long Trojan War this 2-volume story will cause you to scratch your head as you go back and re-read to be triply-sure that you got what-it-was-that-just-happened ... did that really just happen? And did he really just put that together? Simmons, best known for his psychologically-thrilling suspense and horror novels and his classic watershed Sci-Fi Hyperion (the 4-volume series), has set the bar to an almost unimaginable height with this mash-up of Sci-Fi, history and mythology.
AND THUS CONCLUDES ANOTHER INSTALLMENT OF ME TELLING YOU WHAT TO READ ... for now.
Kicking and Screaming [sometimes, the only way to get me to go to work]
Benjamin Kissell
"Steady work, he says. Visible position he says. Yeah, mother f$#@er - holding up this newspaper sure is steady work."
Some days are wonderful; full of light, giggles, smiles, rainbows flying out of unicorn asses and puppies rolling in fields of kittens ... while others are known as "work days". On these "work days" [*shudder*] it requires a little more than my usual 'roll out of bed and wake up to the sound of birds and mice singing a Cinderella chorus' to get me ready to face the day with anything other than a tight-mouthed grimace. I have to be dragged, kicking and screaming to face the day.
What is required is a combination of denial ["What, me work-y?"] and coffee to perform this.
No. I'm not talking that light, cinnamon-dusted, pleasantly flavored, ooh-the-barista-thinks-I'm-cute-'cos-he-put-extra-skim-whip-foam-on-the-top, stuff that your mother and the hipster behind the counter drink. No. I'm talking the black, industrial-vat sludge that MY mother would approve of - coffee strong enough to both dissolve asphalt AND be confused for it. Coffee so bitter and black that you could call it "Gary Coleman, the later years" [what, too soon? Oh come on, Avenue Q did it].
................................................
I began my love affair with work-based-coffee at 20, sneaking a clandestine liaison with a cup of "artisan coffee"; light tappings of French Vanilla non-dairy creamer liberally swirled in - I was unfaithful to my relationship with my expensive beakers of tea. I needed that extra jolt of caffeine that my blackberry and currant blend wasn't providing that day - a double-shift at work on top of classes in college. I snuck around the counter, eyes casting around to make sure no one saw my secret shame, and poured out a nutmeg-gy cup of coffee.
From that first cup of adulterated java, I was hooked.
A bottomless cup - one that mean it could never be full? Were there 50 Danaides continuously filling it from sieved vessels? Don't get me wrong tho', the idea of a bottomless cup of coffee appeals to me in ways that are prolly illegal, if not outright immoral.
I'd loved the smell of coffee brewing at home growing up - it's a rare day that my Mum doesn't have a pot brewing, whether at work or home. But something still felt wrong - not necessarily the splitting of my love [I'll always love tea - I have a whole cabinet in my kitchen devoted to flavors of tea and my special tea-only mugs] ... one could call me a big-a-drink-ist? No. It was the flavor. Specifically, that it had one. I remembered looking up, as a child, at my Mum's mini-poster at work of Garfield and a killer cup of joe so strong it dissolved the spoon.
That coffee, right there, was what I wanted. What I needed. That concoction is what grown-ups drank by the tankard, by the gallon; what kept my
professors, co-workers and family running and alive. And perky.
Or pseudo-perky enough [i.e. scary enough] not to be second-guessed.
The following years saw me drinking more and more coffee to survive work days and school. I'd slink through the Student Union - The Eagle's Nest - and stand in front of the college's massive coffee-by-the-gallon maker and breathe in the fumes knowing that this 'industrial sludge' was the concoction I desired - nay, needed - to make it through the days. Not the lovely and Starbucks-y coffee the hip and uber-cool kids chugged. Screw that. I wanted the stiff stuff. Strong fumes would waft out of my various travel mugs; whether sitting in class or at a corporate job, my days at Borders, or at home writing with evil cats nicknamed 'Bitch Pudding' scratching at my desk chair.
Coffee which looks like Hexxus clawing its way from my cup is what I craved and what still pulls me out of bed in the mornings so that I may smile my way through a myriad of obstacles
... better known as co-workers and customers.
IF YOU DON'T GET THIS REFERENCE, please go kick yourself ... close enough to someone who was alive and cogniscent during the 90's. 'Kay?
Shady Verandas Are The Only Fun Kind [throw some shade, throw some shade throw some glitter make it rain ... let's have a kiki]
Benjamin Kissell
"TGISB" "Huh? What's TGISB?" "Thank Gawdd It's Saturday, Bitch!" "At least you know your grammar; now shut the fuck up and have a cup of T; hold the shade."
To throw shade ~ adv./adj. "to make a witty and catty
remark to individual(s) while casting aspersions about the legitimacy
and capabilities of a particular person - specifically used in reference
to drag queens." [in other words: bitch will cut you with her words!]
..............................
Here’s a riddle – what do cranky octogenarians, Anti-Abortion
Activists and Drag Queens all have in common? They tend to book-end my Saturdays with stress and laughs. Thankfully I have some amazing friends who know how to help me de-stress and put it all into perspective [and possibly more than a few drinks on my tab] while we sit and bitch ... err, kvetch after our Saturday night drag show. [And yes, most of them are in boy clothes yet still in-face while we do this ] The only downside to these 2AM chats post-drag show is that I work Sunday mornings at 7AM.
Sitting outside with my friends in the still-t00-damn-chilly night air [why yes, Spring, I assume you are ignoring Puxatony Phil like the rest of us] we sit wreathed in fur, feather and leather coats tossing out witicisms and criticisms about our day and the shows in general. I quirk my eyebrow and turn to John, my amazingly patient - and snarkily brilliant - boyfriend, before I begin to break down my Saturday for them.
Oh the shade of it all ...
............... Morning ...............
>RING RING<
“Thank you for calling [REDACTED], this is Benjamin – how may
I help you this morning?”
“Excuse me young Miss,” a voice filled with gravel and
senility is on the other end of the line.
“Ma’am?” I throw as much masculinity as my Surrey-affected
voice will allow.
“Yes, Miss, I was calling to ask about your price for a
night.”
[Despite the urge to
tell the old bag that she couldn’t afford me if I were of that inclination and
snark to her that this YOUNG MAN would be placing her old-ass on hold,
discretion, manners and coffee won out – instead I sighed and tried harder to
sound masculine.]
“Our rates are [REDACTED] a night, although we do
offer discounts through AAA and AARP,” I start but am swiftly interrupted.
“That’s too God-Damn much,” her voice – which had been
saccharine senile but a moment ago – is now cranked up to crotchety coot. The sound of a thousand un-filtered cigarettes choke through her sudden rasp. I can
picture her standing on her porch and waving a shovel at passersby … which
would be more of an insult if I hadn’t done the same thing recently to the
chain-smoking Hipster dick in the parking lot of my apartment complex.
[Seriously dude, use a
fucking ash-can to stub out, don’t just toss your butts where I park.]
“And why didn’t you offer me the Senior Rate? I’m 80 God-Damn
years old!”
“Ma’am,” I try to salvage my politeness which is hanging by
a delicate thread, here. And fail. Instead I fall back on the patter, "if you have a coupon for the lowered rate, we accept that as a walk-in, otherwise I'm terribly sorry that our rates do not meet your needs."
>CLICK<
She hangs up on me with the force of an angry toddler.
The next (and thankfully last) four hours of work pass by in a blur of rude, rather incompetent and particularly spiteful folks - and those are just my co-workers most days. The end-of-shift highlight of a Frog looking directly at me as he let loose a very wet belch ... just left me with warm fuzzies [and a need for a vat of Purell].
............... Afternoon ...............
To say I bolt for the door when I leave work at the end of my shift is a bit of an understatement - I'm a grey-green streak as my car zooms out of the parking lot with nary a backward glance. [I swear, I didn't hit that small family of picnickers, but if I had ... they would have deserved it.]
I'm already halfway home when I seem them. Lined up like they were waiting outside of Wal-Mart on Black Friday in hand-me-down pants, next-best-thing-to-thrift-store sweaters, cankle-length denim skirts and an array of hats that would make even the stodgiest English Matron glance askew. Who are these guys, the Charge of the Tasteless Brigade?
Not a single smile flickers on their faces, children in denim and flannel onesies and gaudy bright blue sweater-sets cling to their mothers and siblings in something resembling obstinate denial of the fact that they've been set out here: hide behind mommy and it won't be real.
And then I put two and two together; those aren't atrociously large handbags in the women's hands - those aren't ill-fitted ponchos on the men and teens - no, those are drab signs they're holding. I'm pretty sure that when I'm near enough, even with my windows rolled-up [have I mentioned that Spring is still nowhere to be found?], I'll be able to hear their words. I'm also pretty sure that I don't want to.
By the time I've pulled alongside this March of the Tackily Dressed, I can hear them clearly and angrily denouncing the evils of the modern world: the Hellfire and brimstone awaiting those of us who practice sex outside of marriage [practice? I used to all-but be a Gold Medal competitor, fucktards] and the most colorful (of the color-less) posters and signs they hold up are giant-block-letter vitriol on abortion and the sanctity of marriage.
Because yes, my want to eventually marry [and have EQUAL rights under the law] my boyfriend will totally invalidate your cult-based marriage. *eyeroll* [Oh, don't look at me like that - anyone who has that kind of single-minded dedication to wearing denim skirts HAS got to be in a cult. Or at least is lacking the common sense and fashion gene ... and that's as-good-as.]
After I pick up my jaw, while simultaneously holding back derisive one-liners and choking-laughter at their simpleness and hideous couture I make sure my back window is rolled down enough so that when I 'accidentally' turn up the volume on Madonna [Girl Gone Wild] singing out "Girls they just wanna have some fun/get fired up like a smoking gun/on the floor 'til the daylight's come/girls they just wanna have some fun" they have the best chance of hearing it and toss off a wish-it-were witty piece of advice over my shoulder: "If you want to be taken seriously, stop dressing like you stepped out of a thriftstore denim nightmare from 1986".
"Man, this tuck is killing me - I think my balls are checking my colon for polyps." "Maybe - but, gurrl, your make-up is flawless."
By the time I finish describing my day before coming to the show this evening, I have John snickering beside me and the various half-un-made queens high-fiving me as we laugh together. Not the usual scemario while chain-smoking outside of a drag show-hosting sports bar, but, then, I don't really smoke [hi Mum! I just chill outside with the popular queens] and never will again [if the fear my roommate and boyfriend both possess of my Mum has anything to say about it], but it sure is one helluva fun way to end the night:
"One drink, two drink, three drink FLOOR!" [what happens when I don't have an implied limit on my tab ... I tend to double-fist (or even triple) drink]
"They call 'gay' an epidemic." "Dumbass, bad fashion's an epidemic; gay is clearly fabulous." "Bad fashion? You only wish you could pull off these gay-jamas."
My head aches. My body quivers. I have a fever. I see dots before my eyes.
I am definitely unwell.
I have, what is in colloquial terms is called, the "I Don't Want To Fucking Be At Work"s.
Admittedly, my body aches because I'm generally hunched over at the computer all-day either at work or writing and editing ... and yes my head hurts - but, when doesn't it? Writer's block often is a physical throb in my forehead.
I'm not sure I so much have a fever as a 'I hafta watch this Project Runway marathon with this pint of Rocky Road' fever [and if you're anything like me, when the mood strikes, it's like a sucker-punch]. The spots before my eyes are sequins shining on my Bob Mackie-designed Cher Barbie doll on the upper-left bookshelf.
I almost never miss work; I've worked while *not* high on pain medication post-foot surgery, I've been at the desk smiling through the nausea of food poisoning and I've been known to stand and schmooze folks with a fever which may fell a moose. That being said, this bitch wants off today.
And inspiration strikes! I? Shall ... call in gay.
"Hey, it's Benjamin. *cough cough* Sorry, can't work for you right now - I just had a flare-up of sodomy and need for dancing to Madonna."
"You what?"
"I'm calling in gay."
"Oh, okay. See you tomorrow?
"Yeah, unless I have a remission and find myself in bed eating double-fudge chunk ice cream while playing Ethel Merman records and lip-syncing to Gypsy before chugging cocktails and shaking my money-maker at a gay bar named 'Scruff'."
Cut to my bosses chatting in the back office, both are 'good ole boys' ...
"Benjamin called; couldn't come in today - called in gay."
"I didn't know you could do that."
"Me either. But it's legit: While we were on the phone I heard an outbreak of Madonna and Britney Spears in the background. And a bunch of voices cheering - I think there were guys doing body-shots off of a naked Bolivian stripper."
"Welcome to the home of the babyback ribs, I'll be your waitress this evening and please do remember, 'tipping is not a city in China'."
I should have known better than to say 'yes' when he asked me out - my best friend had called dibs on the tall, auburn-haired 'boy-next-door' several weeks prior. I should have known it was 'too good to be true' when a guy relatively close to my age, with a job [sad that I have to state this ] asked me out.
I should have put two and two together when I was told he spent a lot of time on Grindr [I'm one of the five gays who isn't on there].
And I really should have taken the fact that he was besties with every. single. one. of the bar-hopping, drink-toting, skanky guys in-town I avoid like the plague. [Hi out there if you're one of the local gays reading this, I didn't mean you, I mean every other guy in your circle of friends.]
In short ... bitch should have just said "no".
His name was Dan, and being the fool that I am I accepted his friend-request on facebook and ... mortal sin that it was, said yes when he asked on a date.
True, part of the acceptance lay in the fact that the boy was cute as pie [and probably easier than kindergarten math] on top of my being date-less for nigh unto 5 months ...
Trust me, I am NOT nice when I've been attention starved.
I hemmed and hawed for three days, mulling over the implications of a first date - would he think I was too much? too forward? too loud? too gay? too old? too sexual? not sexual enough? etc etc etc - and the best-possible locations for it (throwing the what to wear dilemma to the back of my mind).
We both worked in shopping centers about a mile from one another and, through texts, agreed to meet at the Chili's up the hill for a first date; and we would go "Dutch". [For those of you born after 1990, that means you both pay your way. Thank you Women's Lib! Who pays is one of the most annoying questions in gay dating ... at least in my experience; it ranks right up there with how to tip the cute waiter and slip him your phone number without your date noticing.]
"Oh gawdd, what the flaming fuckball hell should I wear, Nate?! I don't have anything I look good in!" I practically wailed into the phone a mere 45 minutes before I was due to step out of my car at the restaurant.
Ignoring the shameless ploy for empty appeasing plattitudes, he sighed. "Just wear something flattering and simple." Pausing for emphasis, "but not something which draws attention to your crotch."
Tossing sweaters, aging Hollister/Hot Topic/Abercrombie & Fitch/Banana Republic/American Eagle tees [why yes, I deftly ignore the 'dress your age' decree] and shredded jeans into heaps on my bedroom floor, I plop down in my computer chair.
"Everything I own is either too young for me or too sexual ... or shit I wear to work."
"Well, yes, it probably is." [ouch] "But, there has to be something you can wear in there. What about your new brown cardigan?"
Ooh, I hadn't thought about that. I loves me some pseudo-preppy clothing. There's something about the frat boy meets geek chic look that has always felt right ... unfortunately, hipsters [and I does NOT loves me some hipsters] have ruined the joy in so much of what I wear. Assclaps.
Maybe if I layer the cardigan over a simple brown button-up collar and pair them with my flattering [and despite Nate's advice rather ... uhm, 'flattering' below the waistline] pinstripe jeans and oh-so-loved Calvin Klein dress shoes. Not too too, not too hipster-douchey, not too much.
Between Nate texting me off the ledge and my doing the too-tight-jeans-shimmy I soon found myself wedged into my decidedly perfect first date outfit and ready for the fireworks to start.
Okay, aside from the physical chemistry there are no fireworks.
A lackluster dinner [who the fuck's idea was it to come to Chili's? Can you name a restaurant that screams SEXY less? Aside from Waffle House, I can't] melded with lukewarm conversation.
Between his slow-to-build (so fucking slow-I-could-go-out-and-build-an-actual-mansion) stories and my Jerry Lewis-like nervous attempts to fill in the blanks [bullets are fired with less force than my quips] and not be super-obvious about undressing him with my eyes [and avoiding the actual act of undressing him with my hands at the dinnertable] conversation was stilted. Yet, sadly, I counted this as a success. He reached across the table and held my hand momentarily - and yes, I squealed on the inside.
Beside a chaste cheek kiss at our cars as the wind blew, we both played it cool as we made tentative plans for a second date.
Tossing my jacket and cardigan in the passenger seat, I drove over to give a blow-by-blow to Nate at work and figure out how best to proceed - eventually deciding [Nate's guiding hand] not to be overly eager and to leave the ball in his court.
Another four days after that he texted me - explaining he'd been "camping" with his family [yeah, mmhmm. My friends on Grindr swore that day in/day out he was a mere 3 miles away the whole time - friends, they'll look this shit up for you] and soon asked if I wanted to skip ahead of our next date and, instead, just hook-up.
On the one hand, do I seem so cheap that I'll toss out an adequate date for some quick sex? On the other, he is pretty damn cute [and easy, don't forget easy]. On one hand I'm pushing 30 and I really should be aiming for looking for depth and a relationship. On the other, he is pretty damn cute [and let's not forget, easier than twist-off lid.]
And on one hand, I'm better than that. *sigh*
Instead, I listened to that quiet, nagging voice [*cough* Nate's *cough*], said 'No' and deleted him from facebook and my cell.
YOU LOOK FAMILIAR (I guess I just didn't recognize you with your clothes on)
-Benjamin Kissell
"Say, have we met before? Your pleats look awfully familiar." "I don't think so; I'd remember a pipe like that."
“Hey, don’t I know you?”
This is the usual greeting I receive whenever I take a break from work, deadlines or boxed-wine-and-chocolate-cake-night-at-home-alone and find the time to show my face at the local bar – which is about once a month … or five. I’m familiar enough to elicit looks of recognition [and all-too-seldom appreciation] but, my irregularly-timed visits allow for some anonymity.
At least, that's the goal.
“It’s possible; I was here a couple weeks ago.”
“No, that’s not it. I know you from somewhere else, don’t I?”
The guy asking this is slurring his words through a haze of fetid cigar smoke [yuck] and really cheap beer [if one drinks please drink dark, expensive beer, okay? Or wine. Or nice, chilled vodka] and his already lazy eye is wandering towards the wall.
Lucky me.
Maybe he recognizes me from my tenure on the Board of Directors of the local Pride organization – I’d walked in the Christmas Parade and was omnipresent at several Pride In The Burg events. He could have seen my face anywhere downtown at any time. I’d love to say it’s from the photo attached to the byline on my occasional humor column.
But no.
“Didn’t you sleep with my best friend?”
And then there’s that.
The question I like the least when I plop my ass onto a seat.*sigh* Sadly, it happens more than I’d care to think on. ‘Didn’t you sleep with/date/hook-up with my best friend/roommate/brother?’
The results of a misspent youth [but oh-so narcissism building] being the sort who made Snooki or a Kardashian look positively chaste are that people have a set of assumptions when they recognize me from that period.
And, unfortunately [for them], I usually don't live up to the hype - happily choosing to be a homebody and no-longer-at-all-promiscuous-boy. [C'mon, my nickname was The Brian Kinney of Fredericksburg not exactly an endearment.]
Thanking Lazy Eye for the conversation [eyeroll], I pick up my drink and return to the table where my beautiful roommate Melanie and her friend are sittin in wait for the start of the Drag Show.
Turning around, I survey the crowd of about 48 men and women [gay men, fag-hags and lesbians] in the small bar's dim lighting and am greeted with four looks of recognition from various men seated throughout. Four sets of eyes roam from my probably-too-tight-jeans [I say flattering, you say camel foot] to my geek-chic glasses. Four men attempt to lock eyes with me. Four men who have seen me either fully naked or in various states thereabouts. Four men, in a crowd of less-than fifty who can answer that awkward question directly: 'didn't you sleep with/hook-up/date me?'
Not, what one could call a proud moment. And sadly, not the first time I've run into an ex ... but four at once? What is this a bad porn segue?
[Hi mom, I'm still a virgin and don't know what porn actually looks like ... ignore what this article says. Better yet, just stop reading it. 'Kay?]
So, it's a bad idea to be in a situation where a former date and your current/most recent will meet each other? Well, shitballs - there goes dating in a small town ... or community. -me talking with The Gay Dating Bureau
First is Oswald (Oz); we met on myspace and had several friends in common [anyone else miss the feature where you searched local gays? Anyone? Anyone? Just me?] including an ex-bf. We slept together on our second and third dates. Afterwards, we both pulled the 'whoops I lost your number' schtick on the other and didn't get around to talking again [tweeting each-other twice counts, right?] for the better part of the last 6 years.
Then there's Michel; an adorable twink with a bubble-butt you'd want to squeeze like your Bubbe squeezes those more appropriate cheeks. An emo [I thought they'd all morphed into Hipster douches], he spent the entire time we hung out at my work tossing his hair in that signature move that seems to come with the skinny jeans, eye-liner and knock-off-vintage tees that make up the uniform. Of course, when he followed me home [like the adorable puppy he is] I wasn't above rounding third base ['cos I'm classy like that].
With the exception of running into each other a few months back on facebook we've not spoken in the nearly two years since.
Of course there's That Guy Whose Name I Never Got. After a particularly traumatic dumping in 2009, I rebounded with "Oh yeah, I'm still hot - if you don't want me there are plenty of guys who do! Like this guy right here" and proceeded to make out with an attractive, slim-built guy in the middle of the bar's dance floor. After some well-placed bumping and grinding I slipped him my number [he tried to slip me tongue - I'm easy, but I'm not that easy] and never heard from him again - barely seeing him the occasional times I sauntered into the bar.
Bonus: he's here with Oz - they make an adorably sickeningly-sweet couple ... you could just gag! [I know I am]
And then there's my ex-bf, Saul. Somewhere between the stereotypical ginger and a ghost-pale brunette, his awkward uber-geekiness appealed to me - or maybe it was his inappropriate grabbing of my ass within 10 minutes of meeting [for which I returned the favor]. Either way, we started dating and had a lot of laughs. Of course, I was 23 to his barely-19 - an age difference which lent itself to financial arguments, family-centered fights and hot-headed debates like who was the better Darrin in Bewitched [I'm a Dick York kinda guy ... he was a Will Ferrell - can you see why we fought?].
We broke up that October - and by 'we broke up' I mean he sent me an e-mail declaring he 'wasn't in a place where [he] should be dating' before he began a relationship two weeks later. Of course, I'd be remiss if I didn't admit we've had more sex since we broke up than the entire time we dated.
...........................................
As the four stare at me our little tableaux vivants paint themselves across their eyes .
Shit. Shitty. Shitballs.
I guess they do recognize me with my clothes on.
Nodding my head in their general direction - bonus of a small bar, everyone's in the same basic area - I set my glass down and join Melanie at the table, suddenly jealous of her being-a-hot-straight-woman-surrounded-by-uninterested-gay-men thing ... and enjoy the show.
[Insert witty description of a drag show: here. If you've seen one, good. If not, use your imagination.]
At intermision [Tuck'n'Smoke Break - a drag queen thing] I join the hostesses and performers outside and it isn't but a moment before Oz and That Guy Whose Name I Never Got [are they surgically attached?] sidle up to the group. Why yes, it was several minutes of awkward attempts at forced conversation and pointed un-aknowledgement.
I've heard of elephants in the room, but this was one of those bubble-tutu elephants from Fantasia.
After ducking several daggers thrown by That Guy's glare. (Did he and Oz compare notes?) I decided discretion is the better part of valor and in hopes to avoid a scene/maiming/bad threesome joke; I turn to return to the bar and that's when I felt it.
A distinct feeling.
A deep, soothing vibe throughout my right butt-cheek: My cell's vibrating. Being that I haven't changed my cell number since 2007 [lazy? You bet'cha] it shouldn't have been surprising that they had it still. Yet, I still cringed at the two texts:
Hey - cute ass. ;-) and You look 2 sexy :-D -Michel -Saul
Oi. You know what? This is just a bit too much for me - a little too intense if you know what I mean. To borrow a line from my former roommate, "I could deal with this, or I could get drunk".
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