PAVLOVIAN RESPONSES
[are some of the best responses]
Benjamin Kissell
Trigger + me = ... wait, I didn't get a treat - those other guys got a treat, why don't I?
It has been said that into every life a little rain must fall. Trials and errors will be endured and - hopefully - one will pass muster and do so with flying colors. One must endure to ensure. Trial to triumph. What do these trite little sayings have to do with anything I am actually writing about ... um, I couldn't tell you.
And why is that? Well, it's because, even though I'm writing this, I'm not really paying all that much attention as it's been several minutes and three interrupting conversations since I wrote my own name on the top of the page and ... um ... my focus has drifted.
Um, that isn't a good thing methinks. Perhaps this is a new depth of narcissism that I need to look at.
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Early on in our friendship, before the notion of falling in love even flitted through our minds, John joked that he had to either A) say my name every 30 seconds or B) say my name every 5th sentence so that my focus would remain on whatever it was we were talking about. He said this in humor. He said this with a wry grin and completely dry tone.
He said this not realizing just how true it was.
Benjamin
I'm aware that we all live in our own worlds where we focus on ourselves and how the outside world's interactions impact us - The World According to You theory. Not a tough concept, nor a new one. However, I fear that I've taken this to a rather unhealthy extension. A hipster-like extension. A Julia Roberts-like extension - and let's be honest, that? Isn't good for anyone in a five-mile radius.
In fact, I'm pretty sure that if push comes to shove, you could describe me as a Raging Narcissist these days. Why? Let's examine the evidence:
I don't like to read other people's Facebook posts - unless they're commenting on me/something I said/something I'm likely to comment on/something a friend may comment on involving me. Although I receive quite a few people's Twitter feeds as text messages (and they are all people I like/love/respect/cherish), my likeliest response is "F#@k one more thing to delete" unless they are tweeting something that pertains to me/Direct Messages me/mentions me in the tweet/retweets me or my postings about these articles. [You get the picture here, right?]
[Also? Can more of y'all retweet or tweet about these articles? Facebook "LIKE"s are also welcome. Please and thank you.]
Benjamin
[Double-also - seriously, Instagram? I'm sorry, I just don't get you. Instagram feels like Facebook's attention-defecit cousin who doesn't want you to invest any actual time in producing anything, instead spending hours cruising someone's SUPER NARCISSISTIC POV with shiny GIFs - at least I make you guys work for the GIFs I use: there's words surrounding them.]
Putting this lackadaisical/selfish attitude under the Microscope of Personal Growth recently [nifty name?], after realizing just how close to home John's joke was, I saw the extent of sheer narcissism I exude ... and not always the cute, endearing funny narcissism I joke about. I've begun to accidentally start cutting people off with complete non sequitors segueing into whatever random thing has popped into my head, sans filter, with trademark lines like "Speaking of which ..." True, I grew up in a family where we had to talk over each other (despite it being only the five of us) and that old habit is hard to break ... but when I've begun to preemptively talk over and take over a conversation; automatically steering it over to me and about me?
Um. So not good.
I know that the Pavlovian response trigger - my name - has been how I've conditioned myself as of late to make sure I'm still in the game; my head on the matter instead of musing and rambling on other random thoughts which trigger and flow and just meander wherever my twisted narcissistic self will lead them through.
Benjamin.
I need to wake up, shut up and put up ... with conversations about other things than myself. Pay attention and listen to other people's opinions; opting to actually MULL over what they just said instead of taking the quiet time while their mouths move to think about a cute/witty/funny way to steer the conversation back over to/about me. The first step? Is to actually sit down with someone - say, my wonderfully patient boyfriend fiance - and just listen. Quietly. Not thinking about what I would say/could say/should say. Instead, just listen and pay attention to what goes on in his world.
Who knows, I might just learn something fun.
[And if I don't? I'm sure I can always turn the conversation back to me, right?]
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[Endnote: How funny is it that the predominant articles and "related posts" to my raging narcissism that Typepad recommends ... well ... are mine?]
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